any suggestions

Hi, I'm the father of three kids, two are on the spectrum, the eldest is 14. My wife and I are struggling to find a way to support him in finding his way through increasing school pressure, adolescence and independance. Whilst he pushes for more freedom, he needs daily reminders to perform basic domestic tasks our ten year old picked up a long time ago. We swing from overseeing everything to putting it in his hands, neither approach sees much progress. He's hard on himself and we don't want to contribute to his lack of esteem, at the same time we know how important it is for him to stand on his own feet.

I'd welcome contact from anyone who recognises the dilema. We're tired and running out of new ideas.

Parents

Modal over 9 years ago

Hi,
No one goes through tragic events unaffected and those of us with the innate desire to empathise will always feel the pain of others. To survive with a generosity of spirit intact is something to take pride in though Coogybear,. Learning not to estimate your own worth through how others perceive or treat you is a massive step that many people never achieve. Once you do, it's such a liberating step, but it takes faith in your own good intentions and self-worth. I no longer care what anyone thinks about me, other than those I love. I know I'm well meaning and that if people care to take the time to know me they will see that. I have a friend who never fails to be upset when someone treats them badly, however unpleasant a person that might be. Whereas the more you become confident in your own worth, the less you care about the views of people who command no respect through their behaviour or attitude. He's desperate to be liked by anyone he meets, whereas I don't wish to be liked by people who don't respect me, quite the reverse in fact.

I'm surprised to hear you say people with ASD are often perceived as resilient, as that aspect which makes interpreting others intentions difficult often leads to hurt where none was intended. The nuances of playfulness, teasing and outright malice have led both my sons to be distraught over incidents that they've totally misinterpreted. It's a challenge to find a third way between their usual reactions of either self-reproach or inappropriate retaliation. It's even harder to help them process events when malice does play a part, as neither of them can relate to it on any level.

It's only recently that my wife has suggested to me that I may be somewhere on the spectrum. I certainly recognise some of the thought patterns my sons exhibit. I too focus my efforts on reinforcing my kids sense of self-worth and leave no room for doubt that they are loved and respected for who they are. The lack of that knowledge from your parents has life-long repercussions that outweigh any and all material support.

The sins of our fathers are lent a huge cognitive leap of understanding when our own children come along. Forgiveness, in my fathers case, still alludes me. He was a man who seemed threatened by others self-worth, and set out to diminish it in those closest to him. Ironically, he was highly thought of and generous to work colleagues and outsiders. Had his behaviour around my mothers death been at all isolated, it would be far easier to understand and forgive. It's hard to understand, let alone forgive, a man who appeared to revel in putting down his own wife and family. I would love to forgive him, for my own well-being.

I hear you talk about tragic events in your life, hear too your caring nature, and yet you still carry guilt and self-reproach. In that respect you remind me very much of my sister. She jumped through hoops trying to accommodate my fathers psychosis. She carries tremendous guilt that she didn't do more to ease his pain, despite being crushed by his attitude to her. It was inevitable that something would snap, in her case her health. Like my friend, she continues to be devastated by ill-feeling towards her whatever the nature of those that exhibit it. She still internalises it and assumes it's her failing somehow. Sadly she's so ready to be hurt by those around her, she exhibits a defensiveness that can be misinterpreted as unwarranted mistrust, a cyclical behaviour which can alienate and lead to exactly the scenario she's hoping to avoid.

She pours out goodwill towards others whilst fearing it's unwarranted when others do the same. Sometimes it's far easier to be kind to others than be kind to ourselves. As you say, this seems far more prevalent in woman, who've so long been assigned the nurturers role as if DIY and some pocket money might cover any of their own need for caring, compassion and love.

Again, I don't look for wider understanding of depression than within my own circles, especially among men. who generally associate it with weakness and fear talking about it. But as with every other character trait, there's a spectrum of testosterone levels men exhibit. I remember fondly my wife's fear that she might walk into the pub and be ignored by me and male drinking partners, expressed before we were married. I was able to reassure her that sitting in the pub with a group of male drinking partners was about as far from my comfort zone as joining the local rugby club, and that she could abandon that fear with ease. Although I have very few people around me I could call friends, the ones I do have, both men and woman, are un-judgemental and free of the chains of wider social expectations. I'm glad to hear your partner has come to realise his worth lies in other areas than career and social norms, it's a treadmill of disappointment and false aspiration that leads to an unavoidable sense of redundancy in retirement.

Part of me is comfortable with a degree of depression. The world could be such a beautiful place. To feel at ease with it , as it is, seems delusional rather than well-adjusted. Where it relates to self-worth it's another story. That's a far more personal journey, and the only truly fruitful approach is to confront ones fears head on. Perhaps that's why I'm so fearful in the grips of depression, when no amount of self-insight appears to break through the cloak of anxiety that accompanies it.
As for your "ramblings", it's been a welcome opportunity to exchange thoughts with someone confronting their fears and sharing goodwill. I wish you every success in that most worthy of pursuits.
All the very best Coogybear, Modal.
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Modal over 9 years ago

Hi,
No one goes through tragic events unaffected and those of us with the innate desire to empathise will always feel the pain of others. To survive with a generosity of spirit intact is something to take pride in though Coogybear,. Learning not to estimate your own worth through how others perceive or treat you is a massive step that many people never achieve. Once you do, it's such a liberating step, but it takes faith in your own good intentions and self-worth. I no longer care what anyone thinks about me, other than those I love. I know I'm well meaning and that if people care to take the time to know me they will see that. I have a friend who never fails to be upset when someone treats them badly, however unpleasant a person that might be. Whereas the more you become confident in your own worth, the less you care about the views of people who command no respect through their behaviour or attitude. He's desperate to be liked by anyone he meets, whereas I don't wish to be liked by people who don't respect me, quite the reverse in fact.

I'm surprised to hear you say people with ASD are often perceived as resilient, as that aspect which makes interpreting others intentions difficult often leads to hurt where none was intended. The nuances of playfulness, teasing and outright malice have led both my sons to be distraught over incidents that they've totally misinterpreted. It's a challenge to find a third way between their usual reactions of either self-reproach or inappropriate retaliation. It's even harder to help them process events when malice does play a part, as neither of them can relate to it on any level.

It's only recently that my wife has suggested to me that I may be somewhere on the spectrum. I certainly recognise some of the thought patterns my sons exhibit. I too focus my efforts on reinforcing my kids sense of self-worth and leave no room for doubt that they are loved and respected for who they are. The lack of that knowledge from your parents has life-long repercussions that outweigh any and all material support.

The sins of our fathers are lent a huge cognitive leap of understanding when our own children come along. Forgiveness, in my fathers case, still alludes me. He was a man who seemed threatened by others self-worth, and set out to diminish it in those closest to him. Ironically, he was highly thought of and generous to work colleagues and outsiders. Had his behaviour around my mothers death been at all isolated, it would be far easier to understand and forgive. It's hard to understand, let alone forgive, a man who appeared to revel in putting down his own wife and family. I would love to forgive him, for my own well-being.

I hear you talk about tragic events in your life, hear too your caring nature, and yet you still carry guilt and self-reproach. In that respect you remind me very much of my sister. She jumped through hoops trying to accommodate my fathers psychosis. She carries tremendous guilt that she didn't do more to ease his pain, despite being crushed by his attitude to her. It was inevitable that something would snap, in her case her health. Like my friend, she continues to be devastated by ill-feeling towards her whatever the nature of those that exhibit it. She still internalises it and assumes it's her failing somehow. Sadly she's so ready to be hurt by those around her, she exhibits a defensiveness that can be misinterpreted as unwarranted mistrust, a cyclical behaviour which can alienate and lead to exactly the scenario she's hoping to avoid.

She pours out goodwill towards others whilst fearing it's unwarranted when others do the same. Sometimes it's far easier to be kind to others than be kind to ourselves. As you say, this seems far more prevalent in woman, who've so long been assigned the nurturers role as if DIY and some pocket money might cover any of their own need for caring, compassion and love.

Again, I don't look for wider understanding of depression than within my own circles, especially among men. who generally associate it with weakness and fear talking about it. But as with every other character trait, there's a spectrum of testosterone levels men exhibit. I remember fondly my wife's fear that she might walk into the pub and be ignored by me and male drinking partners, expressed before we were married. I was able to reassure her that sitting in the pub with a group of male drinking partners was about as far from my comfort zone as joining the local rugby club, and that she could abandon that fear with ease. Although I have very few people around me I could call friends, the ones I do have, both men and woman, are un-judgemental and free of the chains of wider social expectations. I'm glad to hear your partner has come to realise his worth lies in other areas than career and social norms, it's a treadmill of disappointment and false aspiration that leads to an unavoidable sense of redundancy in retirement.

Part of me is comfortable with a degree of depression. The world could be such a beautiful place. To feel at ease with it , as it is, seems delusional rather than well-adjusted. Where it relates to self-worth it's another story. That's a far more personal journey, and the only truly fruitful approach is to confront ones fears head on. Perhaps that's why I'm so fearful in the grips of depression, when no amount of self-insight appears to break through the cloak of anxiety that accompanies it.
As for your "ramblings", it's been a welcome opportunity to exchange thoughts with someone confronting their fears and sharing goodwill. I wish you every success in that most worthy of pursuits.
All the very best Coogybear, Modal.
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