any suggestions

Hi, I'm the father of three kids, two are on the spectrum, the eldest is 14. My wife and I are struggling to find a way to support him in finding his way through increasing school pressure, adolescence and independance. Whilst he pushes for more freedom, he needs daily reminders to perform basic domestic tasks our ten year old picked up a long time ago. We swing from overseeing everything to putting it in his hands, neither approach sees much progress. He's hard on himself and we don't want to contribute to his lack of esteem, at the same time we know how important it is for him to stand on his own feet.

I'd welcome contact from anyone who recognises the dilema. We're tired and running out of new ideas.

Parents

Modal over 9 years ago

Hi Coogybear. Kids at school, the wife's at work and I have the day off, so enough space to respond to your words, which were both moving and thought provoking. That's quite a journey you've been on! Your courage and generosity of spirit is no small achievement.

It's true that the facts of your life don't determine your state of mind, rather it's the ways you find to live with them. Adversity can both crush you or make you.

I am one of four children, our father was nothing short of malevolent at times, between dramatic nervous breakdowns. The way the four of us coped varied tremendously. My eldest brother left the country in his early twenties and appears to have shut down any emotions and has no more empathy than our father did. My other brother associates the rest of us with "family trauma" and cannot relate to us as individuals. My sister took the brunt of our fathers misogynist tendencies and has a string of medical issues that have left her housebound if not entirely bed bound. I chose to confront my fears and finally cut off communication with him altogether shortly before he died. The advent of my wife and I's first child galvanised my resolve to make sure his direct influence, at least, stopped with his kids and not my own.

The strength one can gather from coming through horrific events is certainly profound. One such period of my life left me reassured that I could cope with anything else life threw at me. I too was determined to avoid passing on my own childhood woes to any future children and failed entirely at the first hurdle. One day, my father took to me to one side and told me in the same breath that my supportive and loving mother was dying of cancer and that he would commit suicide when she did. (He added that it was just my mother, but it was his wife, should I forget to focus on his pain for a moment).

At the same time a relationship that was both dysfunctional and at its end led to an unplanned, (on my part anyway) pregnancy. The realisation that the path life took wasn't all self-determined hit me like a brick. All these events were happening whether I liked it or not, my only available option was in how I dealt with it. Over the next two years I tried to shield my mother from my own problems, unaware the now estranged mother of my child was visiting her throughout. My father became more and more demanding of attention as my mothers illness took hold, reiterating his suicidal intentions and resenting any attempts to protect my mother from his self-obsession.

When finally she died, he had me negotiating with him to promise he wouldn't kill himself overnight so I could catch some sleep. Bringing in a cup of tea in the morning, not knowing what I'd find, stepping over empty bottles of whatever was left from the drinks cabinet to wake him up.It took a fortnight to get him into a psychiatric hospital, where they removed his belt and any sharp objects and I walked out and collapsed in tears.

My father recovered and remarried three times before he died. Around two years ago I established a relationship with my now adult daughter, who was brought up by her mother and the father of two of her other children. Although her upbringing was as far from how I envisaged as possible, she's a bright, altruistic, wonderful individual.

After the inevitable period of mourning for my mother and indeed my daughter, I found myself stronger than I'd ever been. The reality was that I'd survived total desperation and knew that no matter what came my way in future, it couldn't be any worse and I'd find a way through it. The only issue that tempers that knowledge is the ongoing depression, which cloaks me in fear and doubt completely every time it takes hold.
Although 200 miles apart, I visit my sister as often as I can, she's a single mother whose son shares her M.E. It's been an invaluable source of strength for both of us to know the other can relate and care. My wife has extraordinary strength and resolve to get on with life. Although she can't relate to my depression or the kids issues directly, she has the generosity of spirit to be endlessly supportive.
Anyway, coogybear, I sincerely hope you can take some of your own medicine - take pride in your own and your kids achievements. You've been bombarded with adversity and have come through it both generous and caring. You've spent your life in a caring role, don't forget to leave some for yourself. I hope the forum goes some way towards easing the isolation and I send you a virtual hug ! Please feel free to get in touch as & when.

Take care, Modal
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Modal over 9 years ago

Hi Coogybear. Kids at school, the wife's at work and I have the day off, so enough space to respond to your words, which were both moving and thought provoking. That's quite a journey you've been on! Your courage and generosity of spirit is no small achievement.

It's true that the facts of your life don't determine your state of mind, rather it's the ways you find to live with them. Adversity can both crush you or make you.

I am one of four children, our father was nothing short of malevolent at times, between dramatic nervous breakdowns. The way the four of us coped varied tremendously. My eldest brother left the country in his early twenties and appears to have shut down any emotions and has no more empathy than our father did. My other brother associates the rest of us with "family trauma" and cannot relate to us as individuals. My sister took the brunt of our fathers misogynist tendencies and has a string of medical issues that have left her housebound if not entirely bed bound. I chose to confront my fears and finally cut off communication with him altogether shortly before he died. The advent of my wife and I's first child galvanised my resolve to make sure his direct influence, at least, stopped with his kids and not my own.

The strength one can gather from coming through horrific events is certainly profound. One such period of my life left me reassured that I could cope with anything else life threw at me. I too was determined to avoid passing on my own childhood woes to any future children and failed entirely at the first hurdle. One day, my father took to me to one side and told me in the same breath that my supportive and loving mother was dying of cancer and that he would commit suicide when she did. (He added that it was just my mother, but it was his wife, should I forget to focus on his pain for a moment).

At the same time a relationship that was both dysfunctional and at its end led to an unplanned, (on my part anyway) pregnancy. The realisation that the path life took wasn't all self-determined hit me like a brick. All these events were happening whether I liked it or not, my only available option was in how I dealt with it. Over the next two years I tried to shield my mother from my own problems, unaware the now estranged mother of my child was visiting her throughout. My father became more and more demanding of attention as my mothers illness took hold, reiterating his suicidal intentions and resenting any attempts to protect my mother from his self-obsession.

When finally she died, he had me negotiating with him to promise he wouldn't kill himself overnight so I could catch some sleep. Bringing in a cup of tea in the morning, not knowing what I'd find, stepping over empty bottles of whatever was left from the drinks cabinet to wake him up.It took a fortnight to get him into a psychiatric hospital, where they removed his belt and any sharp objects and I walked out and collapsed in tears.

My father recovered and remarried three times before he died. Around two years ago I established a relationship with my now adult daughter, who was brought up by her mother and the father of two of her other children. Although her upbringing was as far from how I envisaged as possible, she's a bright, altruistic, wonderful individual.

After the inevitable period of mourning for my mother and indeed my daughter, I found myself stronger than I'd ever been. The reality was that I'd survived total desperation and knew that no matter what came my way in future, it couldn't be any worse and I'd find a way through it. The only issue that tempers that knowledge is the ongoing depression, which cloaks me in fear and doubt completely every time it takes hold.
Although 200 miles apart, I visit my sister as often as I can, she's a single mother whose son shares her M.E. It's been an invaluable source of strength for both of us to know the other can relate and care. My wife has extraordinary strength and resolve to get on with life. Although she can't relate to my depression or the kids issues directly, she has the generosity of spirit to be endlessly supportive.
Anyway, coogybear, I sincerely hope you can take some of your own medicine - take pride in your own and your kids achievements. You've been bombarded with adversity and have come through it both generous and caring. You've spent your life in a caring role, don't forget to leave some for yourself. I hope the forum goes some way towards easing the isolation and I send you a virtual hug ! Please feel free to get in touch as & when.

Take care, Modal
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