Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm the father of three kids, two are on the spectrum, the eldest is 14. My wife and I are struggling to find a way to support him in finding his way through increasing school pressure, adolescence and independance. Whilst he pushes for more freedom, he needs daily reminders to perform basic domestic tasks our ten year old picked up a long time ago. We swing from overseeing everything to putting it in his hands, neither approach sees much progress. He's hard on himself and we don't want to contribute to his lack of esteem, at the same time we know how important it is for him to stand on his own feet.
I'd welcome contact from anyone who recognises the dilema. We're tired and running out of new ideas.
Hi Coogybear - Where to start! I remember feeling far more centred many years back, accutely aware of an inner strenghth that felt inate and far more accessible than at present. On one level I feel far removed from then, and wonder whether the long-term antidepressants have removed both the extremes of anxiety and the abilility to truely be in the moment. I've certainly made a conscious decision to prioritise a degree of equilibrium over personal exploration of who I might be minus the pills. Until my kids are able to fend for themselves it seems too risky to rock the serotonin boat for my own ends. On the other hand the lack of dramatic highs and lows allows me to hold down a job and stay vaguely in the room most of the time.
It feels as if I have no reserves of energy to do anything more than rest when I don't have to be working or parenting. I think my wife feels much the same, the odd family holiday takes on massive significance and is sole destroying when it proves as hard work as staying at home. We have no support network, no time to ourselves and no social life.
Despite how it might appear, I'm not bleak or pessimistic about life, but I do feel exhausted just trying to stay sane !
My sons heavy heart makes me fearful for his future peace of mind, and I'm certainly struggling to feel anything close to relaxed about it. I don't feel equipped to reassure him from where I am myself. He's involved in sports and outside school activities not just computer games, but I think the computer games he enjoys allow a degree of sociability online that he can't easily achieve elsewhere. With his social naivity, access to endless online perils from bullying to grooming and my own lack of computer savvy, it's not easy to know what to do for the best. Both sons have been bullied for being "different", and at one time my eldest was receiving bullying texts and phonecalls. I picture the front door as where any such nastiness should stop, so the idea it can invade our home without me even knowing is hard to contemplate. At which point I remind myself I need to loosen the reigns and I'm back where i started.
I realise I'm hard on myself, but I don't feel as if I have much choice. When either of us are ill , physically or mentally, the pressure on the other is overwhelming. So much so, it's all we can do to avoid resenting each other when one of us does switch off for a while. Relaxing shouldn't feel selfish, it can't be a good thing for either of us.
I feel as if I'm unloading a whole pile of angst in your direction, and for that I apologise.I guess it's rare for me to talk to someone who can relate. Take care and please know how much your time and generosity has been appreciated.