Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm the father of three kids, two are on the spectrum, the eldest is 14. My wife and I are struggling to find a way to support him in finding his way through increasing school pressure, adolescence and independance. Whilst he pushes for more freedom, he needs daily reminders to perform basic domestic tasks our ten year old picked up a long time ago. We swing from overseeing everything to putting it in his hands, neither approach sees much progress. He's hard on himself and we don't want to contribute to his lack of esteem, at the same time we know how important it is for him to stand on his own feet.
I'd welcome contact from anyone who recognises the dilema. We're tired and running out of new ideas.
Can't tell you how good it feels to talk to someone who knows, and thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
I know we can't apply the same expectations to our kids as individuals, it was just trying to express the area we're most struggling with. He's a bright wonderful young man, whose handling a onslaught of hormones and homework with real courage. As I'm sure you recognise, the social and emotional hurdles are a different story.
With my own history of depression, I'm particularly aware of my sons isolation, struggle to socialise and boredom. The desire to help widen his horizons keeps coming up against his inability to do so with any boundaries in place. Playing computer games for example, if we try to set limits he'll find a way round them and fries his brain before noticing. The same applies to computer access, his phone and so on. If we watch over everything he does we don't give him a chance to do anything for himself. If we loosen the reigns he'll get up and plug in at any hour and is a mess come morning.
As I say, if we try to compromise, it involves boundaries which are as happily agreed as they are instantly abandoned. If any progress is made it's sometimes so slow as to seem static. I guess I'm just accutely aware he's only got a few years before he has to create and stick to boundaries himself, and it's my job to help him get there.
The falling at hurdles is endlessly challanging, as it seems he never really makes the same mistake twice, whilst making as similar a mistake as conceivably possible with no real perception of a link. Taking it as a personal failure is heartbreaking and so hard to dispel.
We're tremendously proud of him and tell him so daily, we'll never shut down on him, it's just a rollercoaster and I'm giddy as it is! Thanks again cooybear (& for the book link, I'll check it out), all the best to you and yours.