Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm the father of three kids, two are on the spectrum, the eldest is 14. My wife and I are struggling to find a way to support him in finding his way through increasing school pressure, adolescence and independance. Whilst he pushes for more freedom, he needs daily reminders to perform basic domestic tasks our ten year old picked up a long time ago. We swing from overseeing everything to putting it in his hands, neither approach sees much progress. He's hard on himself and we don't want to contribute to his lack of esteem, at the same time we know how important it is for him to stand on his own feet.
I'd welcome contact from anyone who recognises the dilema. We're tired and running out of new ideas.
Hi Modal,
Can I just say, I so understand where you are coming from.
I have two sons with ASD, both of whom have similar challenges, but who are completley different personalities.
The only advice I can give, would be to accept his difference and from that point, take each day as it comes. He cannot be compared to his sibling as he is truly different.
I've just had the year from hell with my son in full time FE and it nearly tipped me over the edge, yet now he's finished full time FE, things have completely changed.
Educational pressures are huge on ASD youngsters as they move up the academic ladder and you cannot under estimate the impact they have. Couple that, with the adolescent, hormonal influence and peer pressure and it's a cocktail for confussion. Rest assured, things do get better when education ends, but it's a steep learning curve.
Boundries are essential, but you cannot be unreasonable. No grey areas and trust must be earned. Despite my youngsters protests that he can manage, it's clear that he can't in certain areas. You have to become adept in identifying what he's capable of and what he struggles with. Like the rest of us, he needs to be able to make mistakes in order to learn, but also he needs to be able to identify his strengths and weeknesses to know when to ask for help.
If he's accepting of his condition, he may benefit from reading a book be Valerie Gaus
www.amazon.co.uk/.../1606236342
This will help him identify his strengths, but also his weaknesses and hopfully enable him to feel he can seek advice for those areas. (Be advised this will take some considerable time longer than most NT's ( Neuro typical's) take to learn.
One of my sons sadly, is destined to be one of those that says he can do it all and falls at many hurdles. If he has the forgiveness of his parents, the trust and unconditional support of his family behind him; even when he fails, them hopefully he will realize that his failures are not a personal reflection on him as a person, but failures that many NT's also endure and that after a while he may realize the limit of his own capability.
Don't shut down on him for his first failure. Discuss it with him with reason and reflection and seek to asertain how he might do it differently in the future. He may get it wrong many times, but when he finally gets it right, it will be a triumph beyond words. And justifyibly so.
Your sons are unique and have the potential to achive great things. Be proud, celebrate their successes individually and enable them to use thier differences to a positive end.
Good luck, and feel free to ask here for help any time you need it.
Cooybear