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The penny drops, but what now?

RocketScientist

Hi, everyone. This is my first post here. I'm hoping that this community will give me ideas on how to approach life, knowing that I am probably autistic, having only worked this out in my early sixties.

I am happily married and have 2 adult children. Last year I had what I suspect was an autistic meltdown during a house party at our home. My wife insisted that I had therapy to deal with anger issues (I am not generally an angry person, but I can certainly surprise everyone with a proper tantrum every year or so).

I had 6 therapy sessions. I picked a therapist who specialised in neuro divergence because I had increasingly suspected I might be “on the spectrum”. She wasn't much help; I talked a lot but didn't get any answers I hadn't already come up with myself.

At the end of session 5, out of the blue, she pointed me at the Embrace Autism website and said that I might find something helpful there! She promptly took a few weeks off.

I did a few tests. To summarise, I was showing fairly strong autistic characteristics, mainly language, social-relatedness, special interests and assimilation.

Without anyone to ask, I took to Google. Things started to dawn on me. Past events made more sense. I realised why I was the girl-shy nerd at school. I realised why I struggle to make good friends on my own. I realised why I stressed about weird things and had some superhuman sense of justice and fair play.

Then I started to feel sad. The more research I did, the more I felt broken. So I stopped. That was a year ago.

The positives I have gained are that I now have an excuse for occasional “bad behaviour”, and can better prepare for difficult times.

The negatives are that I still can't deal with people any better, my social life hasn't improved, I still get frustrated and I still annoy the hell out of my wife when I go wrong. At least now she knows there is a reason for it, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I just read a book on autism written by a comedian. It’s an interesting read, but I feel like I'm falling into the pit of doom again, so I decided to come here.

Sorry, this is all a bit serious. I'm actually a good laugh when you meet me.

  • Hi! I was diagnosed a few months ago, in my 70s. I went through a similar journey as you prior to diagnosis. I paid for the diagnosis, partly because the lists are long in Scotland (if one gets on one at all) and partly because I couldn't cope with imposter syndrome. Where you and I differ is that felt broken before I did the research and discovering I was autistic lifted a burden of guilt and shame from me when I realised I wasn't a whole bvunch of inadequacies, but just wired differently.

    I'm not looking to be fixed, perhaps because I've seen therapists now and again during my life, seeking help for specific things. I know no one's going to change my brain and I'd rather have my socialising issues than all that guilt and shame. Yes, it's a bugger if I have to phone a business, but I can contact friends and most businesses online and now I have a legitimate excuse to duck out of parties, so it's not all bad! 

    More seriously, I know I can tell people I'm autistic if I feel it would help them cope with me better. On the 'con' side, it won't help me with my anxiety - it's still either ask for pills or find a therapist. I'm still in the period of adjusting to having a different brain and there are periods where I feel depressed (not that I'm certain that's what I'm feeling), but at least I can join online communities for my interests or like this one. It's not perfect, but nothing ever is. For the rest - well, I'm still working on it.

  • Yeah, life can suck at times!  Or at least, so it seems if I let it.  Six weeks on from my diagnosis at aged 69 and I am more or less fine with it now.  At first I was surprised at how down I got, despite suspecting for several years.  But then, having it confirmed is different from maybe?  

    Now I am slowly building a network of trusted people I have told, which means that it will likely leak to the wider world sooner or later, I'm sure.  Am I fine with that?  Guess so, or at least I started the ball rolling, so I can't complain where it comes to rest, can I?

    The one thing I am learning about our shared thing, autism, is that no two people are the same.  That's good, as diversity beats the crap out of boredom, but not so good for having helpful relevant experience that neatly fits with others.  Like you, I have revisited past events and had one or two 'Ah-ha!' moments.  But I am also questioning whether I am more atypical than most (oh all right, I am trying to be the exception that proves the rule, or perhaps just bloody-minded) since my symptoms/problems are less severe in comparison to many others?  Maybe, in addition to imposter syndrome, I am just a fraud?  Who knows?  And actually, who cares?  Cynical?  Maybe, but after diagnosis, it is tempting to think that we are just cast aside and left to deal with the fallout alone, and that is true to an extent, as what else can be done as we wrestle with this new truth about ourselves?

    I've just come back from a small breakfast gathering which I sat through almost mute, but also with more understanding of myself and the reasons why so much of what was happening around me was hard to deal with- well, harder than for NT people.  For me, at least, this journey is a learning one, and in an odd way enjoyable too.  I hope you get to find a way to enjoy life as well.