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The penny drops, but what now?

RocketScientist

Hi, everyone. This is my first post here. I'm hoping that this community will give me ideas on how to approach life, knowing that I am probably autistic, having only worked this out in my early sixties.

I am happily married and have 2 adult children. Last year I had what I suspect was an autistic meltdown during a house party at our home. My wife insisted that I had therapy to deal with anger issues (I am not generally an angry person, but I can certainly surprise everyone with a proper tantrum every year or so).

I had 6 therapy sessions. I picked a therapist who specialised in neuro divergence because I had increasingly suspected I might be “on the spectrum”. She wasn't much help; I talked a lot but didn't get any answers I hadn't already come up with myself.

At the end of session 5, out of the blue, she pointed me at the Embrace Autism website and said that I might find something helpful there! She promptly took a few weeks off.

I did a few tests. To summarise, I was showing fairly strong autistic characteristics, mainly language, social-relatedness, special interests and assimilation.

Without anyone to ask, I took to Google. Things started to dawn on me. Past events made more sense. I realised why I was the girl-shy nerd at school. I realised why I struggle to make good friends on my own. I realised why I stressed about weird things and had some superhuman sense of justice and fair play.

Then I started to feel sad. The more research I did, the more I felt broken. So I stopped. That was a year ago.

The positives I have gained are that I now have an excuse for occasional “bad behaviour”, and can better prepare for difficult times.

The negatives are that I still can't deal with people any better, my social life hasn't improved, I still get frustrated and I still annoy the hell out of my wife when I go wrong. At least now she knows there is a reason for it, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I just read a book on autism written by a comedian. It’s an interesting read, but I feel like I'm falling into the pit of doom again, so I decided to come here.

Sorry, this is all a bit serious. I'm actually a good laugh when you meet me.

Parents

  • Hi and welcome,

    I’m also married with two adult children, your struggles sound all too familiar. After much thought I chose to get an assessment, I was diagnosed with autism last year when I was 57. 

    I’ve  thought right back to childhood and about all the things that happened, I now don’t feel so bad about myself. It’s a bit like grief, definitely sadness followed by anger, I like to think I’ve got to acceptance. It’s not so much as loosing someone, more finding them. After decades it’s actually brought me some peace to know I’m not broken. The most comforting thing is finally know there’s other people who are like me, I had believed it was just me who was somehow faulty.

    RocketScientist said:
    I feel like I'm falling into the pit of doom

    I understand that feeling, I definitely mourned the child and adult, especially all the ‘what if’s’. That’s the only bit that still makes me sad, the autistic child who often felt very alone.

    I have a large family party coming up soon, I’ve decided that if I attend then it must be by my rules, the genie is definitely out of the bottle and can’t  be put back. It’s not bad behaviour, it’s protecting ourselves and trying to stop the shutdowns. If I’m honest I sometimes need shutdowns or at least time away from people to recharge.

    My wife tries her best to understand autism but I do find I’m still told off when I now can’t adapt to situations so easily. The term ‘radio silence’ still gets used.
    I used to use alcohol to make me seem more normal. Hopefully that’s one thing I won’t go back to. I listened to a good audiobook by an autistic comedian Fern Brady, I thoroughly recommend her book. Are you wanting to pursue a formal diagnosis? I found it stopped the imposter syndrome.
    Carry on researching, small bites are often easier but most autistic people disappear down a rabbit hole with interests!

Reply

  • Hi and welcome,

    I’m also married with two adult children, your struggles sound all too familiar. After much thought I chose to get an assessment, I was diagnosed with autism last year when I was 57. 

    I’ve  thought right back to childhood and about all the things that happened, I now don’t feel so bad about myself. It’s a bit like grief, definitely sadness followed by anger, I like to think I’ve got to acceptance. It’s not so much as loosing someone, more finding them. After decades it’s actually brought me some peace to know I’m not broken. The most comforting thing is finally know there’s other people who are like me, I had believed it was just me who was somehow faulty.

    RocketScientist said:
    I feel like I'm falling into the pit of doom

    I understand that feeling, I definitely mourned the child and adult, especially all the ‘what if’s’. That’s the only bit that still makes me sad, the autistic child who often felt very alone.

    I have a large family party coming up soon, I’ve decided that if I attend then it must be by my rules, the genie is definitely out of the bottle and can’t  be put back. It’s not bad behaviour, it’s protecting ourselves and trying to stop the shutdowns. If I’m honest I sometimes need shutdowns or at least time away from people to recharge.

    My wife tries her best to understand autism but I do find I’m still told off when I now can’t adapt to situations so easily. The term ‘radio silence’ still gets used.
    I used to use alcohol to make me seem more normal. Hopefully that’s one thing I won’t go back to. I listened to a good audiobook by an autistic comedian Fern Brady, I thoroughly recommend her book. Are you wanting to pursue a formal diagnosis? I found it stopped the imposter syndrome.
    Carry on researching, small bites are often easier but most autistic people disappear down a rabbit hole with interests!

Children
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