Husband waiting diagnosis - we’ve been together 20 years

Sorry I was offline for the day so didn’t rely sooner. That is actually very difficult because I was eager to find out everything I possibly could about it. If he would read a few things he might feel less ashamed or like there is something wrong with him… there certainly isn’t. And only by being exposed to other people’s lived experiences will he be able to see this. 

I would suggest he asks a job centre advisor for assistance in finding a job with a company which is more autism friendly.

Also he needs to identify what adjustments he requires. I would suggest he thinks of the situations where he found it hard to concentrate and think about what the environment was like then - was it too noisy? Too bright? Did he constantly get interruptions? Also it's good to plan how he will manage his own behaviour at work - things like learning not to over-share or say inappropriate things, making a list of tasks to help with getting everything done, and turning off email and message notifications so he's not constantly distracted from a task.

Perhaps you could point out some of the famous people who are autistic - such as Chris Packham, Dan Ackroyd, Anthony Hopkins, & Christine McGuiness. It's estimated that around 2% of the population are autistic (it could be more due to under diagnosis of older people) which is approximately 1.4 million people just in the uk. It's part of the natural diversity of human beings and none of these people - including your husband - have something "wrong" with them. It does take time to process things when you find out in adulthood you're on the spectrum though, so be patient with him.

How can I get him to do so though? I think he’s anxious about what he will find out. He seems to accept his go ASD but feels ashamed like there’s something wrong with him. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him otherwise 

I think I am in a similar position to your husband. I would suggest doing some reading (him and you)  around autism, written by autistic people, follow some autistic Instagram pages, read lots here in the forum to start gathering information. 

Thank you. The trouble is he doesn’t have a job right now. Before the pandemic he’d had two jobs were he’d been at each for at least 8 years. But since the pandemic the longest he’s held a job down for is 9 months. The last one he told them he’s waiting for diagnosis of ASD and asked for adjustments but they said he needs to know what adjustments he needs (which he doesn’t know yet) and still let him go after six months. He keeps failing his probation and is now worried and stressed about finding another job and it happening again 

Hi and welcome to the community.

Struggling with working seems to happen to a lot of autistic people, so perhaps if your husband learns this he will feel less "different". There is some information on the main part of this website which may help - here is a link:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/employment

There is also a guide for partners of autistic people which you may find useful:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

It may be that your husband needs some workplace adjustments to help him at work, such as being able to move to a quieter part of the office, using noise cancelling headphones, having written instructions for tasks rather than verbal ones, or working from home some of the time. Employers should try to accommodate the needs of employees even without a diagnosis. So have a chat with him about what might help with his concentration and suggest he speaks to HR or his manager. 

I hope things improve soon.