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New here... but father's who care

JanesJ

I am sure my scenario is not unique but here goes. Since my separation of my 13 year marriage 3 years ago. I had a court order put in place to protect me as a father and my two children.

I am desperate to get support. 

One of my children has autism, non-verbal, Incontinent and needs support for everyday life tasks. He is now 7 and a big strong boy. He also has severe learning difficulties. I currently have joint care and my children stay with me their father Saturday till Tuesday every week. However I get no support or help from anyone. Because I am not the children's main carer. I do not receive any child benefit, pip, universal credit. Carers allowance. Absolutely nothing. I pay for health nappies, clothes, shoes, school dinners on days they are in my care, specialise push chairs, car seats the list is endless. 

But what I do receive is an instruction from the CSA / CSM that I need to pay mum a monthly direct debit of 500£ a month. Despite her earning 40k a year. I do work and do earn average wage. Despite that. I can't get any support for my my son and every application leads to a dead end.

The very small bit of spare time I have,  I  spent completing Autism awareness courses and good beginnings courses to support him better.

A blue badge, or any help from charities, grants, funding, even carers allowance seem to be knocked back because I work a 40 hour week and not in receipt of any benefit and not his main carer.

I share the care of my children...if not more than mum.  The CSA  do not listen to individual cases and are very text book.

I feel I want them to take me to court because  hopefully a judge will listen. I feel I some case better off not working. I feel alone. I do my upmost for my children and my autistic son to support his needs. 

I worry for him when I have gone. I need urgent help and support and I can't get any. I live with parents at 46 because of my hefty monthly payments. I live for my kids needs but sometimes feel I should give up and not be the caring dad like some others.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes grammar ect Keep caring  JAMES

  • That sounds extremely hard, the odds do tend to stack against the father even if you look after them half the week. It must feel the system is expecting you to break and give up, which is truly terrible and not within the kids best interest. I don't have advice, but I hope you can keep going, the courts don't sound like they always decide things in a sensible manner, CAB is the only thing I can think they might give you some advice if there is anything you can do to ease the burden? Maybe some way to appeal the maintenance?

    When I was on FB, I was reading a blog by James Hunt, who has 2 older autistic boys and is seperated. Sometimes not feeling alone in it can help a tiny bit?

    I'm sorry it's not much help.

  • The CSA has been a disaster from the start, the only people who seemed to want this to happen were the government of the day, no womens groups or anyone else wanted it, it overturned previous settlements and has caused loads of grief and hardship ever since. Co-parenting was a thing when CSA was forst started, not the norm that it is now and agree its unfair along with the rest of the benefits system, can you talk to your ex about it and see if you can work something out between you that more equitable? 

  • Hello James, I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in this situaiton,

    JanesJ said:
    I feel I want them to take me to court because  hopefully a judge will listen.

    My experience of the legal system is that it is weighted heavily towards female parents, whether by intent or bias. You are likely to be seen as a financial support mechanism for the child and since the mother is the primary care giver, you will be expected to pay her in order to support the child.

    If your ex has an income then the child support agency should take this into consideration when calculating your contributions. If you feel it is unfair then ask them to detail their calculations and explain how they reached their conclusion.

    I'm afraid the system is likely to consider you as capable of looking after yourself and your son. Dropping out of work will probably be seen as voluntary and they will not expect you to stop paying - the cases I know of where the male contributer has lost their job has resulted in them accumulating debt until they were taken to court and charged with non payment and some were given jail time.

    The cards are stacked against you in my experience so I would focus on finding ways to get a better career in order to improve your own situation and be able to contribute more to your children. With luck you will be also be able to afford your own place again or will meet someone who will combine incomes and you can live better together.

    JanesJ said:
    I need urgent help and support and I can't get any.

    I think your best support option is to get a therapist and work on the things that are stressing you - they are trained for this and should be able to help you manage your issues and find a better balance in your feelings so you can find a way forward that is more positive.

    I'm sorry it feels so bad at the moment but it can turn around with a bit of help.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

  • Hi James, welcome to the online community. I’m sorry you’re going through such a challenging time finding support for your autistic son. I’m aware you mentioned you’ve tried a few sources for help, but we have some further information which might be useful.

    To find out about the support available for autistic children; support for parents and carers; and how to request funding for social care please visit: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care.

    The chatbot AccessAva can be a useful way to find health and social care information. AccessAva is provided by the charity Access Social Care, which specialises in legal advice for people in England with social care needs  https://nas.accesscharity.org.uk/.

    You may also wish to read our information on benefits: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/benefits-and-money/benefits.

    You can also find more information on benefits through the Citizen’s Advice website: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/. 

    I hope these help.

    Best wishes,

    Anna Mod