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New here... but father's who care

JanesJ

I am sure my scenario is not unique but here goes. Since my separation of my 13 year marriage 3 years ago. I had a court order put in place to protect me as a father and my two children.

I am desperate to get support. 

One of my children has autism, non-verbal, Incontinent and needs support for everyday life tasks. He is now 7 and a big strong boy. He also has severe learning difficulties. I currently have joint care and my children stay with me their father Saturday till Tuesday every week. However I get no support or help from anyone. Because I am not the children's main carer. I do not receive any child benefit, pip, universal credit. Carers allowance. Absolutely nothing. I pay for health nappies, clothes, shoes, school dinners on days they are in my care, specialise push chairs, car seats the list is endless. 

But what I do receive is an instruction from the CSA / CSM that I need to pay mum a monthly direct debit of 500£ a month. Despite her earning 40k a year. I do work and do earn average wage. Despite that. I can't get any support for my my son and every application leads to a dead end.

The very small bit of spare time I have,  I  spent completing Autism awareness courses and good beginnings courses to support him better.

A blue badge, or any help from charities, grants, funding, even carers allowance seem to be knocked back because I work a 40 hour week and not in receipt of any benefit and not his main carer.

I share the care of my children...if not more than mum.  The CSA  do not listen to individual cases and are very text book.

I feel I want them to take me to court because  hopefully a judge will listen. I feel I some case better off not working. I feel alone. I do my upmost for my children and my autistic son to support his needs. 

I worry for him when I have gone. I need urgent help and support and I can't get any. I live with parents at 46 because of my hefty monthly payments. I live for my kids needs but sometimes feel I should give up and not be the caring dad like some others.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes grammar ect Keep caring  JAMES

Parents

  • That sounds extremely hard, the odds do tend to stack against the father even if you look after them half the week. It must feel the system is expecting you to break and give up, which is truly terrible and not within the kids best interest. I don't have advice, but I hope you can keep going, the courts don't sound like they always decide things in a sensible manner, CAB is the only thing I can think they might give you some advice if there is anything you can do to ease the burden? Maybe some way to appeal the maintenance?

    When I was on FB, I was reading a blog by James Hunt, who has 2 older autistic boys and is seperated. Sometimes not feeling alone in it can help a tiny bit?

    I'm sorry it's not much help.

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  • That sounds extremely hard, the odds do tend to stack against the father even if you look after them half the week. It must feel the system is expecting you to break and give up, which is truly terrible and not within the kids best interest. I don't have advice, but I hope you can keep going, the courts don't sound like they always decide things in a sensible manner, CAB is the only thing I can think they might give you some advice if there is anything you can do to ease the burden? Maybe some way to appeal the maintenance?

    When I was on FB, I was reading a blog by James Hunt, who has 2 older autistic boys and is seperated. Sometimes not feeling alone in it can help a tiny bit?

    I'm sorry it's not much help.

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