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New here... but father's who care

JanesJ

I am sure my scenario is not unique but here goes. Since my separation of my 13 year marriage 3 years ago. I had a court order put in place to protect me as a father and my two children.

I am desperate to get support. 

One of my children has autism, non-verbal, Incontinent and needs support for everyday life tasks. He is now 7 and a big strong boy. He also has severe learning difficulties. I currently have joint care and my children stay with me their father Saturday till Tuesday every week. However I get no support or help from anyone. Because I am not the children's main carer. I do not receive any child benefit, pip, universal credit. Carers allowance. Absolutely nothing. I pay for health nappies, clothes, shoes, school dinners on days they are in my care, specialise push chairs, car seats the list is endless. 

But what I do receive is an instruction from the CSA / CSM that I need to pay mum a monthly direct debit of 500£ a month. Despite her earning 40k a year. I do work and do earn average wage. Despite that. I can't get any support for my my son and every application leads to a dead end.

The very small bit of spare time I have,  I  spent completing Autism awareness courses and good beginnings courses to support him better.

A blue badge, or any help from charities, grants, funding, even carers allowance seem to be knocked back because I work a 40 hour week and not in receipt of any benefit and not his main carer.

I share the care of my children...if not more than mum.  The CSA  do not listen to individual cases and are very text book.

I feel I want them to take me to court because  hopefully a judge will listen. I feel I some case better off not working. I feel alone. I do my upmost for my children and my autistic son to support his needs. 

I worry for him when I have gone. I need urgent help and support and I can't get any. I live with parents at 46 because of my hefty monthly payments. I live for my kids needs but sometimes feel I should give up and not be the caring dad like some others.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes grammar ect Keep caring  JAMES

Parents

  • Hello James, I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in this situaiton,

    JanesJ said:
    I feel I want them to take me to court because  hopefully a judge will listen.

    My experience of the legal system is that it is weighted heavily towards female parents, whether by intent or bias. You are likely to be seen as a financial support mechanism for the child and since the mother is the primary care giver, you will be expected to pay her in order to support the child.

    If your ex has an income then the child support agency should take this into consideration when calculating your contributions. If you feel it is unfair then ask them to detail their calculations and explain how they reached their conclusion.

    I'm afraid the system is likely to consider you as capable of looking after yourself and your son. Dropping out of work will probably be seen as voluntary and they will not expect you to stop paying - the cases I know of where the male contributer has lost their job has resulted in them accumulating debt until they were taken to court and charged with non payment and some were given jail time.

    The cards are stacked against you in my experience so I would focus on finding ways to get a better career in order to improve your own situation and be able to contribute more to your children. With luck you will be also be able to afford your own place again or will meet someone who will combine incomes and you can live better together.

    JanesJ said:
    I need urgent help and support and I can't get any.

    I think your best support option is to get a therapist and work on the things that are stressing you - they are trained for this and should be able to help you manage your issues and find a better balance in your feelings so you can find a way forward that is more positive.

    I'm sorry it feels so bad at the moment but it can turn around with a bit of help.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Reply

  • Hello James, I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in this situaiton,

    JanesJ said:
    I feel I want them to take me to court because  hopefully a judge will listen.

    My experience of the legal system is that it is weighted heavily towards female parents, whether by intent or bias. You are likely to be seen as a financial support mechanism for the child and since the mother is the primary care giver, you will be expected to pay her in order to support the child.

    If your ex has an income then the child support agency should take this into consideration when calculating your contributions. If you feel it is unfair then ask them to detail their calculations and explain how they reached their conclusion.

    I'm afraid the system is likely to consider you as capable of looking after yourself and your son. Dropping out of work will probably be seen as voluntary and they will not expect you to stop paying - the cases I know of where the male contributer has lost their job has resulted in them accumulating debt until they were taken to court and charged with non payment and some were given jail time.

    The cards are stacked against you in my experience so I would focus on finding ways to get a better career in order to improve your own situation and be able to contribute more to your children. With luck you will be also be able to afford your own place again or will meet someone who will combine incomes and you can live better together.

    JanesJ said:
    I need urgent help and support and I can't get any.

    I think your best support option is to get a therapist and work on the things that are stressing you - they are trained for this and should be able to help you manage your issues and find a better balance in your feelings so you can find a way forward that is more positive.

    I'm sorry it feels so bad at the moment but it can turn around with a bit of help.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Children
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