Male, 52, most likely autistic. Please help

I could prove to my 2nd grade teacher that I was reading and understood the book version of "Star Wars," but she ignored my evidence, said I was using the film, even when I could demonstrate all the differences between the film and the book, including the book's accounts of characters' inner-thoughts. She just blew it off. I read the book by myself in my room and never told her about it again, and I never brought the books I liked to school. Many of them were about astronomy. I loved reading about it, and I had this strange idea that if I learned about the sky, I would learn some secret that explained who we are and what we're supposed to be doing. Those two questions were always on my mind. 

This describes me so accurately! It's shocking. I used to think I got used to subtitles just because I watched so many non-English films, but it was because they offered "clarity." (Though the auto-generated ones on YouTube can drive me to grit my teeth.)

I don't remember being not believed that I was reading a book when I was at school, although I was always told I read at a higher age than I was.

One thing I've just realised is that I don't remember learning to read. I can remember learning to write my name before I started school, but my first memory of reading is enjoying The Cat In The Hat at infant school.

Thanks for that Lotus.

A lot of what you write is very familiar.

I don't read quickly, but I do read quite a lot. I like to savour the words. I've been trying to cut back from last year's 160 books. If it has writing on it, I'll read it. I like reading car number plates, shampoo ingredients, cereal boxes, even ... instruction manuals—WTF?!

I saw some video recently (was the link on this forum?) where several Autistic people were talking about themselves. On guy said he read a lot. I perked up. He read 312 books in a year. Damn! One thing we have in common, though, is that we both know exactly how many books we've read. ;)

As a kid, I'd read dictionaries, encyclopedias, all sorts of articles, even the phone book (preferably the Yellow Pages). I think it's the symbolic processing that I like. I can't get enough of word and number puzzles, either. I ended up as a software developer. I like the precision of it.

When a flyer comes in the letter box, all I'll see are the spelling and grammatical errors, then it goes into the recycling bin. What was the flyer about? No idea, but they don't know how to use an apostrophe! I also notice that some posters on this forum might appear to be dyslexic, but are actually just inaccurate typists: the misspellings use letters that are adjacent on a QWERTY keyboard—large thumbs on a small phone keyboard, probably. Knowing that makes some of the more cryptic combinations of letters easier to decode.

One thing I cannot do is watch an English language TV show or film with English language subtitles. I cannot avoid reading the subtitles and the not-quite simultaneous spoken language completely throws me; I cannot take anything in at all. However, if I'm watching non-English programming, I much prefer subtitles over dubbing, as I don't have the same issue with the distracting audio. I tend to look people in the mouth when the speak, so the wrong lip sync of dubbing freaks me out.

I think one of the reasons I find conversation exhausting is that I'm doing a lot of language processing. My brain is trying, in real time, to figure out all the different possible meanings of the words being spoken and to decide which meaning to accept. On the one hand, I have no problem with sarcasm, irony, idioms, jokes, etc., but on the other I'm in a near constant state of overwhelm. When I write, I like to take my time and go over and over the text until I'm happy with it.

Lotus said:

When I was a child reading the back of cereal packets, it was a family joke that if there were writing on toilet paper I would read that too. Not a joke though, I definitely would have!

Get yourself some of this. I got some crossword toilet paper as a kid. Great stuff. If you forget your pen, though, you have a problem. They do it in a sudoku version, too.

If you add to the primary school list:

- teachers tell you off for being seen reading books which they don't believe you are reading; as their perception is that only much older children / adults would be reading those titles ...then I can subscribe to the hyperlexia definition.

Hi Damojo, of course I don't mind you asking about hyperlexia. I read very fast and notice incorrect spelling & grammar, but it's about more than that and ties in with autistic traits (many hyperlexics are also autistic)

So what does it look like?

Preference for written communication over verbal conversation

Feel more confident expressing themselves in text

Drawn to structured language, patterns & wordplay

Reads voraciously - books, articles, signs, anything*

Using quotes, scripts or song lyrics as a way to relate and express

Using subtitles, not because of hearing problems but due to a love of clarity

Finding deep satisfaction in language, structure & meaning

Feeling anxious in fast verbal exchanges, but grounded with the written word

Getting lost in a book and forgetting the world around them

(* When I was a child reading the back of cereal packets, it was a family joke that if there were writing on toilet paper I would read that too. Not a joke though, I definitely would have!)

https://www.sagebrushcounseling.com/blog/hyperlexia-in-adults

Ah, yes: "The Electricity of Every Living Thing: A Woman's Walk in the Wild to Find Her Way Home" - by Katherine May.

(In August 2015, Katherine May set out to walk the 630-mile South West Coast Path. She wanted to understand why she had stopped coping with everyday life; why motherhood had been so overwhelming and isolating, and why the world felt full of inundation and expectations she can't meet. Setting her feet down on the rugged and difficult path by the sea, the answer begins to unfold.)

That book is in my personal library too (it was recommended to me; while I was on the waiting list for my Assessment).

I have "The Electricity of Every Living Thing" waiting for me in the library. Thank you for this list! 

As a community here; we are generally quite keen on books / eBooks or Kindle books / Audiobooks (books are often the most accessible means of exploring our Autism-related queries - particularly when seeking guidance relevant to adults - instead of information focused upon children and young people). 

There are lots of threads on our community mentioning books, however, I have just listed 4 below - which might be relevant (thinking of your Community College students and their local communities and families).

1) - El arte de no Encajar. Lo que pasa cuando el autismo llega a casa - by Noemí Navarro.

(Este es el libro que a Noemí le hubiera gustado tener entre las manos el día en que a su hijo Mateo le diagnosticaron TEA. Y el libro que la habría ayudado a entender su propio caso cuando, al cabo del tiempo, descubrió que también ella era una persona con autismo.)

2) - Pues no se te nota: Camuflaje en autismo, altas capacidades y TDAH - by Bea Sánchez.

(Soy autista, pero 'no se me nota'. Que me digan eso arrastra muchos estereotipos del autismo y refleja lo bueno que es mi camuflaje.)

3) - Autistic and Black - by Kala Allen Omeiza.

("It's time we bring forward Black autistic pain points and celebrate the triumphs of ourselves, family members, and organizations that care for these individuals. Through following the real stories of others from around the world, I hope fellow Black and autistic individuals will be empowered to realize that being Black and autistic is enough.")

4) - Black, Brilliant, and Dyslexic - by Marcia Brissett-Bailey.

('My book showcases positive role models for black people and those within our wider dyslexic community and society, to inspire current and future generations.')

I am half-way through reading Autistic and Black by Kala Allen Omeiza and I happy to recommend Kala's book.  Kala interviews Autistic people from many countries - each interview provides insight into the diverse lifestyles, cultures and barriers they navigate.

Black, Brilliant, and Dyslexic by Marcia Brissett-Bailey is already on my personal library "In Tray" shelf.

(i have yet to source either Noemi Navarro's book, or Bea Sánchez's book.  I know they are readily available - they just have yet to achieve priority in my personal budget spreadsheet).

I am not that bad at that. But I am terrible at listening to someone who is speaking directly to me, as I get lost, start paying attention to their clothing or makeup, so I make students talk in small groups, and then I ask for little summaries of their discussions, list them as bullet points. That gives me a system to work from, and the conversation seems normal, though secretly I'm "orchestrating" it. 

Stir_Ling said:

It's so embarrassing that, in order to have a safe conversation, we must begin by saying we're not in the camp of reality-denying hysterics and violent goons.

Agreed, it’s ridiculous.

Stir_Ling said:

I'm also married to an immigrant, so the fear is also mine.

Wow, I really can’t imagine the stress that would cause. I’m sorry your family is going through that fear and again, it’s ridiculous that this is even something we have to deal with in our society.

Stir_Ling said:

I talk to myself by conducting lectures or leading discussions

That’s EXACTLY what I used to do! I was awful at improvising whenever students asked questions, especially since my memory recall is horribly slow. So these chats with myself were important to prepare myself for any eventuality.

Yes, the evidence is strong, but it is not final. In a way, it's also a form of doubt. Can I *really* be *that good* at pretending I'm something else? It seems mathematically impossible. 

It's so embarrassing that, in order to have a safe conversation, we must begin by saying we're not in the camp of reality-denying hysterics and violent goons. They're currently cracking down in my city, sweeping people off the streets. Just...awful. 

I'm a tenured instructor in a community college. It serves a gateway community, and most of my students have roots in Latin America. They all feel like targets and I see their fear every day. I'm also married to an immigrant, so the fear is also mine. 

I talk to myself by conducting lectures or leading discussions while in a private place, but I have caught myself talking many times while walking down the hall. I even began wearing an earbud to mask it, make it seem like I'm on the phone with someone, just in case it happens while others can see me, as I noticed I can't control it. Then the possibility of autism arose, and I was shocked to learn this might be a form of stimming. 

I feel like there are so many discoveries happening every moment, second to second, that I will not be able to keep track of them all, and I will not be able to present them to the specialist. I mask skillfully, to the point that I hide things from myself. While I am exhausted and can even feel assaulted by public places, I still operate quite well in them. Example: last weekend, there was a book festival in town, and I sat in a tent selling and signing books for hours. Nobody could tell there was anything wrong with me, but the conversations I had with buyers and other writers were *entirely scripted,* almost to the details of particular phrases. It felt robotic, like a puppeteer was engineering the whole thing. It's like people speak in templates. The only time things deviate away from that is when someone tells a story about an event that took place or some experience or perception, and I feel much more "at home" in those instances, even though I can space out, and I'll use basic tags like, "Oh, wow," or "damn, man" to make it seem I'm following along. I'm not. I'm lost. Eventually, some phrase makes sense, and I can gather the gist again, then follow up with a question that makes it seem I'm seeking clarity, when all I'm doing is pretending I'm in the conversation. 

I have been doing this since childhood. I was able to trick teachers into thinking I was paying close attention to their reprimand while I was mesmerized by the glare and shimmer of the light in their necklaces or earrings. 

I had to have a diagnosis. It was the only way I was really going to believe it.

So many replies, so quickly. Wow. 

I have been to Birmingham, Warwick, Wolverhampton, London (passed through, really) and Stratford (Bill's pad). I made friends with a woman from Manchester who graduated Cambridge and lived for a years in Bristol, to her frustration. I love England and the whole of the UK. 

At this point, I have to consider myself self-diagnosed, but I am such a stickler for formalities and official statements, that I don't believe myself to be capable of that, so I don't yet identify as autistic, despite the overwhelming evidence. That's why I'm looking for a diagnosis. Curiously, it seems the path to a diagnosis is a trait of my particular brand of autism, a need for a black/white understanding of something, clarity that's impossible to reject. 

I was hyperlexic in my youth. I could read full-length novels as a boy of 8, and I liked reading much more than I liked talking to others. My favorite parts of childhood were when I could spend time alone, when I read adventure and astronomy books, or when I lay in my grandfather's bed on Friday nights, and he would read stories to me and my brother. 

What does hyperlexia look like in adulthood, if you don't mind me asking? I only ever heard the term being used about precocious children. I read more than the average punter, so I wonder if I'd fall into a similar category.

Good morning from America (though don’t worry, I’m not a member of the MAGA camp)!

I was a university adjunct professor for ten years, so I find it interesting that you often talk to yourself. I did that a lot when I was a teacher, but I’ve done it less since then. I’m guessing that running through scripts and preparing for conversations that may or may not happen is very important for an Autistic person in the education field. It’s great to hear you’ve been in that field for so long, that’s not easy!

As Stuart333 said, it’s perfectly normal to have mixed emotions about getting an assessment. Grief is a common one to experience, especially to be diagnosed so late. However, I hope it gives you some satisfaction to know that you’re certainly not alone. There’s many of us that have gone through that here, so if you have any questions or concerns there’s going to be someone here that can help.

Hi and welcome to the community. I'm female, in my sixties, retired and I live on the south coast of England. I enjoy reading (I'm hyperlexic) and playing video games. I'm self discovered, not formally diagnosed. Everyone is welcome here and hope you find this forum useful.

Hi Stir_Ling and welcome to our community here.

Thank you for your introduction.

I think you will find some people in our community with a similar outlook on many topics.

With regard to awaiting your assessment; there is a lot of supportive information accessible here (including: before, during and after assessment:

www.autism.org.uk/.../diagnosis

Hello. I tried to view the assessment as a positive thing, whatever happened I was going to get professionals to give me an opinion, I'd have someone I could talk to and I'd learn something about myself.

If it was positive it would explain some things, if negative it would be harder to explain but perhaps there was something else. It was positive, plus there were other things. It triggered lots of memories. Reframing the past is different for each person, for me it has been very painful.

I have realised I have been surviving rather than living for over 5 decades. I have grieved for a life I could have had if I'd had a bit more self compassion and sought help earlier.

But I realise now, after some months to acclimatise some of the anger, frustration and anxiety has gone.

I takes time to adjust, and I think I need another year.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You're not broken, just different. Adapting to the world because you want to is different to adapting because you don't know how not to, or realising that you don't always have to.

Try not to intellectualise everything and allow yourself to notice your feelings. If you are very logical you may be like me and just squash everything. But it is still in there eating you up.

Being genuine and real will, I hope, be more rewarding than trying to act at being me.