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Male, 52, most likely autistic. Please help

Stir_Ling

I'm 52, male, have lived in big cities in North America, and in various parts of Europe. I'm a dual citizen, USA and EU, but no, I am not MAGA; that entire side of the USA fills me with shame, dread and sadness. I have two teenaged children and have remarried once following a divorce. My ex-wife was extremely abusive and ruined me financially. 

For a variety of reasons---which I would explain if someone thought they were valuable---knowledgable people asked me if I had ever been assessed for autism, or they told me they suspected I had it. Two of these people were psychologists; one was a special education teacher, and the other was an accommodation specialist in my workplace. None of them know each other. They do not even live in the same place.

I took a series of online quizzes. This summer, 2025, I had a consultation and am scheduled for an assessment in November. The therapist said I have many traits, and the quizzes showed an extremely high likelihood. I have been educating myself, reading books, watching YouTube videos, and I have been noticing my behavior with much shock, awe, fear and fascination.

I suppose I should say that I was diagnosed with CPTSD in 2010, an experience that left me estranged from my entire extended family. I grew up in a family of WWII refugees living in a community of war refugees. My father was abusive, and both my parents were alcoholics. All that aside, I have worked the same job as a community college instructor for 23 years, and I have published multiple books. I also practice Zen, and I'm an avid cyclist. 

As a child, I was a gifted student, able to learn quickly, especially language. I can focus on small things for very long periods of time, and I don't feel I have ever been bored. I don't know what it feels like, though I'm fascinated by the possibility and wish I could visit this island. All that aside, in school, I was left alone to learn, and I spent most of my time reading. While I had a few "friends," they were mostly casual, and those boys moved away when I was very young. I was beaten up often. 

I feel it will be repetitive to present a laundry list of traits, but suffice it to say I show many, many signs of being high-masking.

I work a job that rewards my hyper-logic. I've been there for two decades. 

I naturally and immediately look past what someone is saying or communicating to notice the mechanics and structures of the communication. 

I listen best while looking at the floor or a wall. 

I talk to myself when I'm alone, usually to express some frustration or anger about a person I know, even by role-playing conversations that will never happen.

I run through scripts in my mind constantly, though I take issue with the idea that I'm the one scripting when it seems, especially in America, that most conversations are automated, with pre-fabricated questions and answers, or just blithe wish-wash about vague things.

I have special interests that do not attract attention: cooking, gardening and certain video games, though I'm also a student of world literature, and I can listen to Radiohead or The National for hours each day. I take photographs of walls and puddles, though it's not how it sounds; my photos look like abstract paintings. My books are complex, employing structure to provoke meaning, and I can get into flow-states while writing or cooking.

I shake and rub my hands, clench my teeth, the latter to the point that I required an appliance. 

I can bike for two hours or more without tiring. During those times, I do not feel time at all. 

I hear all sounds at once at about the same volume, thought sometimes they all merge into vibrating sludge, where I feel suspended. Sometimes, in public places, I can keep track of multiple conversations at once, though I have no interest in them. 

Sounds can cause me physical pain, nausea or confusion. At the same time, they can cause enormous delight. I loathe the sounds of automobiles, broken tailpipes or leaf blowers but love birds and falling rain. 

Scents can leave me reeling in revulsion, or send me back a step as I choke, though they also can soothe or refresh. I love the scent of coffee or fresh cut peaches, but the reek of a dirty toilet or a compost bin can leave me suffocating. 

I rock back and forth or shake my leg in waiting rooms. 

That's probably enough. This is not an exhaustive list, but it makes the point, I think.  

I am afraid of the assessment though I am also excited. If I learn this is something else, or nothing at all, I suppose I'll be heartbroken and confused, curious and shellshocked, hopeful (maybe) and lonely (definitely). If I do learn it is autism, I will more than likely weep and scream from pain as I jump and rock because, well, that's what I do. My fear is irrational but it is also sensible. It seems such a long time to wait. 

I welcome advice and information. If anything here is nonsensical or absurd, please understand that I am new, and that I did not ask for this. I am only trying to understand. 

Parents

  • Good morning from America (though don’t worry, I’m not a member of the MAGA camp)!

    I was a university adjunct professor for ten years, so I find it interesting that you often talk to yourself. I did that a lot when I was a teacher, but I’ve done it less since then. I’m guessing that running through scripts and preparing for conversations that may or may not happen is very important for an Autistic person in the education field. It’s great to hear you’ve been in that field for so long, that’s not easy!

    As  said, it’s perfectly normal to have mixed emotions about getting an assessment. Grief is a common one to experience, especially to be diagnosed so late. However, I hope it gives you some satisfaction to know that you’re certainly not alone. There’s many of us that have gone through that here, so if you have any questions or concerns there’s going to be someone here that can help.

  • in reply to profdanger

    It's so embarrassing that, in order to have a safe conversation, we must begin by saying we're not in the camp of reality-denying hysterics and violent goons. They're currently cracking down in my city, sweeping people off the streets. Just...awful. 

    I'm a tenured instructor in a community college. It serves a gateway community, and most of my students have roots in Latin America. They all feel like targets and I see their fear every day. I'm also married to an immigrant, so the fear is also mine. 

    I talk to myself by conducting lectures or leading discussions while in a private place, but I have caught myself talking many times while walking down the hall. I even began wearing an earbud to mask it, make it seem like I'm on the phone with someone, just in case it happens while others can see me, as I noticed I can't control it. Then the possibility of autism arose, and I was shocked to learn this might be a form of stimming. 

    I feel like there are so many discoveries happening every moment, second to second, that I will not be able to keep track of them all, and I will not be able to present them to the specialist. I mask skillfully, to the point that I hide things from myself. While I am exhausted and can even feel assaulted by public places, I still operate quite well in them. Example: last weekend, there was a book festival in town, and I sat in a tent selling and signing books for hours. Nobody could tell there was anything wrong with me, but the conversations I had with buyers and other writers were *entirely scripted,* almost to the details of particular phrases. It felt robotic, like a puppeteer was engineering the whole thing. It's like people speak in templates. The only time things deviate away from that is when someone tells a story about an event that took place or some experience or perception, and I feel much more "at home" in those instances, even though I can space out, and I'll use basic tags like, "Oh, wow," or "damn, man" to make it seem I'm following along. I'm not. I'm lost. Eventually, some phrase makes sense, and I can gather the gist again, then follow up with a question that makes it seem I'm seeking clarity, when all I'm doing is pretending I'm in the conversation. 

    I have been doing this since childhood. I was able to trick teachers into thinking I was paying close attention to their reprimand while I was mesmerized by the glare and shimmer of the light in their necklaces or earrings. 

  • in reply to Stir_Ling

    As a community here; we are generally quite keen on books / eBooks or Kindle books / Audiobooks (books are often the most accessible means of exploring our Autism-related queries - particularly when seeking guidance relevant to adults - instead of information focused upon children and young people). 

    There are lots of threads on our community mentioning books, however, I have just listed 4 below - which might be relevant (thinking of your Community College students and their local communities and families).

    1) - El arte de no Encajar. Lo que pasa cuando el autismo llega a casa - by Noemí Navarro.

    (Este es el libro que a Noemí le hubiera gustado tener entre las manos el día en que a su hijo Mateo le diagnosticaron TEA. Y el libro que la habría ayudado a entender su propio caso cuando, al cabo del tiempo, descubrió que también ella era una persona con autismo.)

    2) - Pues no se te nota: Camuflaje en autismo, altas capacidades y TDAH - by Bea Sánchez.

    (Soy autista, pero 'no se me nota'. Que me digan eso arrastra muchos estereotipos del autismo y refleja lo bueno que es mi camuflaje.)

    3) - Autistic and Black - by Kala Allen Omeiza.

    ("It's time we bring forward Black autistic pain points and celebrate the triumphs of ourselves, family members, and organizations that care for these individuals. Through following the real stories of others from around the world, I hope fellow Black and autistic individuals will be empowered to realize that being Black and autistic is enough.")

    4) - Black, Brilliant, and Dyslexic - by Marcia Brissett-Bailey.

    ('My book showcases positive role models for black people and those within our wider dyslexic community and society, to inspire current and future generations.')

    I am half-way through reading Autistic and Black by Kala Allen Omeiza and I happy to recommend Kala's book.  Kala interviews Autistic people from many countries - each interview provides insight into the diverse lifestyles, cultures and barriers they navigate.

    Black, Brilliant, and Dyslexic by Marcia Brissett-Bailey is already on my personal library "In Tray" shelf.

    (i have yet to source either Noemi Navarro's book, or Bea Sánchez's book.  I know they are readily available - they just have yet to achieve priority in my personal budget spreadsheet).

  • in reply to Stir_Ling

    Ah, yes: "The Electricity of Every Living Thing: A Woman's Walk in the Wild to Find Her Way Home" - by Katherine May.

    (In August 2015, Katherine May set out to walk the 630-mile South West Coast Path. She wanted to understand why she had stopped coping with everyday life; why motherhood had been so overwhelming and isolating, and why the world felt full of inundation and expectations she can't meet. Setting her feet down on the rugged and difficult path by the sea, the answer begins to unfold.)

    That book is in my personal library too (it was recommended to me; while I was on the waiting list for my Assessment).

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    I have "The Electricity of Every Living Thing" waiting for me in the library. Thank you for this list! 

Reply Children
  • in reply to Stir_Ling

    Ah, yes: "The Electricity of Every Living Thing: A Woman's Walk in the Wild to Find Her Way Home" - by Katherine May.

    (In August 2015, Katherine May set out to walk the 630-mile South West Coast Path. She wanted to understand why she had stopped coping with everyday life; why motherhood had been so overwhelming and isolating, and why the world felt full of inundation and expectations she can't meet. Setting her feet down on the rugged and difficult path by the sea, the answer begins to unfold.)

    That book is in my personal library too (it was recommended to me; while I was on the waiting list for my Assessment).