I'm 52, male, have lived in big cities in North America, and in various parts of Europe. I'm a dual citizen, USA and EU, but no, I am not MAGA; that entire side of the USA fills me with shame, dread and sadness. I have two teenaged children and have remarried once following a divorce. My ex-wife was extremely abusive and ruined me financially.
For a variety of reasons---which I would explain if someone thought they were valuable---knowledgable people asked me if I had ever been assessed for autism, or they told me they suspected I had it. Two of these people were psychologists; one was a special education teacher, and the other was an accommodation specialist in my workplace. None of them know each other. They do not even live in the same place.
I took a series of online quizzes. This summer, 2025, I had a consultation and am scheduled for an assessment in November. The therapist said I have many traits, and the quizzes showed an extremely high likelihood. I have been educating myself, reading books, watching YouTube videos, and I have been noticing my behavior with much shock, awe, fear and fascination.
I suppose I should say that I was diagnosed with CPTSD in 2010, an experience that left me estranged from my entire extended family. I grew up in a family of WWII refugees living in a community of war refugees. My father was abusive, and both my parents were alcoholics. All that aside, I have worked the same job as a community college instructor for 23 years, and I have published multiple books. I also practice Zen, and I'm an avid cyclist.
As a child, I was a gifted student, able to learn quickly, especially language. I can focus on small things for very long periods of time, and I don't feel I have ever been bored. I don't know what it feels like, though I'm fascinated by the possibility and wish I could visit this island. All that aside, in school, I was left alone to learn, and I spent most of my time reading. While I had a few "friends," they were mostly casual, and those boys moved away when I was very young. I was beaten up often.
I feel it will be repetitive to present a laundry list of traits, but suffice it to say I show many, many signs of being high-masking.
I work a job that rewards my hyper-logic. I've been there for two decades.
I naturally and immediately look past what someone is saying or communicating to notice the mechanics and structures of the communication.
I listen best while looking at the floor or a wall.
I talk to myself when I'm alone, usually to express some frustration or anger about a person I know, even by role-playing conversations that will never happen.
I run through scripts in my mind constantly, though I take issue with the idea that I'm the one scripting when it seems, especially in America, that most conversations are automated, with pre-fabricated questions and answers, or just blithe wish-wash about vague things.
I have special interests that do not attract attention: cooking, gardening and certain video games, though I'm also a student of world literature, and I can listen to Radiohead or The National for hours each day. I take photographs of walls and puddles, though it's not how it sounds; my photos look like abstract paintings. My books are complex, employing structure to provoke meaning, and I can get into flow-states while writing or cooking.
I shake and rub my hands, clench my teeth, the latter to the point that I required an appliance.
I can bike for two hours or more without tiring. During those times, I do not feel time at all.
I hear all sounds at once at about the same volume, thought sometimes they all merge into vibrating sludge, where I feel suspended. Sometimes, in public places, I can keep track of multiple conversations at once, though I have no interest in them.
Sounds can cause me physical pain, nausea or confusion. At the same time, they can cause enormous delight. I loathe the sounds of automobiles, broken tailpipes or leaf blowers but love birds and falling rain.
Scents can leave me reeling in revulsion, or send me back a step as I choke, though they also can soothe or refresh. I love the scent of coffee or fresh cut peaches, but the reek of a dirty toilet or a compost bin can leave me suffocating.
I rock back and forth or shake my leg in waiting rooms.
That's probably enough. This is not an exhaustive list, but it makes the point, I think.
I am afraid of the assessment though I am also excited. If I learn this is something else, or nothing at all, I suppose I'll be heartbroken and confused, curious and shellshocked, hopeful (maybe) and lonely (definitely). If I do learn it is autism, I will more than likely weep and scream from pain as I jump and rock because, well, that's what I do. My fear is irrational but it is also sensible. It seems such a long time to wait.
I welcome advice and information. If anything here is nonsensical or absurd, please understand that I am new, and that I did not ask for this. I am only trying to understand.
