Over five years of waiting and I finally have confirmed that I’m autistic. It was mostly obvious to be, the signs were more than visible, though I still had that ‘what if I’m not and am just an imposter’ thought process whirring round my head more than I wanted. Now I have been told by a professional I feel I can relax a little. I have room to breathe again and take this all in.
One thing I’ve read about that I seem to do a lot is that I’m masking when I do things like work and going in to town, this they say is my way of coping with outside pressures, but it’s not recommended and I should stop because it’s unhealthy. I don’t understand how to stop this though, it feels natural to me to do it and I don’t think I could not do it if I wanted to. I think I’ve been masking every day since I was at school. It explains why I’m so fatigued now though. Masking gets me through each day. I can't imagine going to work and not masking, how else would I pass off as the 'me' every one knows me as there.
It feels great knowing I have autism but it’s also left me feeling very alone and isolated. I have this knowledge of who I am now but I don’t know what to do with this knowledge or if anything even can be done.
I waited so long for this and now I finally have what I was waiting for and it’s very much like ‘what do I do now?’ and I don’t know the answer to that.