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'I don't think it's a luxury in life to have your needs met'.

Kirstie

Hi everyone, 

I was recently diagnosed in November 2024, and am now in my 40s. I realised I was autistic 5 years ago when I worked in a school for young people with ASD.

Over the last couple of years I have begun the process of unmasking, being more authentic and trying to advocate for my needs. I remember saying to the therapist I had last year that I felt it was 'too much to ask for to have my own needs met'. He replied 'I don't think its a luxury in life to have your needs met'. As if, that was just a basic right and one I should easily be able to attain.

However, the backlash I have received over the last couple of years for trying to advocate for my own needs has led me to realise that this is a luxury for an autistic person and one that is very hard to achieve. In standing up for myself I have been labelled 'a trouble maker', ' too aggressive, too sensitive, too fixated on ethics and morals, with too high justice sensitivity, The messages I am receiving are ...

'Why is it you that always has to stand up for injustice, why can't you just turn a blind eye like everyone else'. (This was in response to me blowing the whistle on my employer for mistreatment of young people with SEND).

'Have you ever considered you may be wrong' (I get this a lot and yes I always assume I am wrong first and will only continue to argue my point if I am sure I have one).

'It was your fault you were treated badly at work and you shouldn't have taken it to employment tribunal as you caused yourself more stress' (This is true, but I also settled the case and was financially compensated proving all types of disability discrmination which made me feel better for holding them to account).

'You shouldn't just give up on life just because you now know you are autistic (in response to me withdrawing from toxic work environments into my work as an artist).

It is actually really really winding me up! It seems my choices s are to stay silent as I was as a child and just observe without participating socially, including just taking the demoing and patronising comments of others on the chin. Or, if I say what I really think I become a target leading to conflict or withdrawal which is more stressful and I end up coming out of each battle worse off. I also like the company of others and hate confrontation so its hard to meet these needs when social relationships can feel so fractious, they often trigger my fight/ flight response and I find it hard to not react now, likely as I have also developed PTSD over the years from repeated interpersonal trauma. 

Exhausted and confused, be nice to hear thoughts from others xxx

Parents

  • My Mother (didn't believe in mental health conditions, likely Autistic herself) would always tell me that I should force myself to fit in or I'd have a miserable life.  That meant masking.  So I masked, unwittingly - not deliberately.   Had someone told me I was doing it, I'd probably have stopped - you develop this coping strategy which becomes a necessity, I believe. 

    The irony with my Mother is that she was accepted as being an individualist, and respected for it.  I really don't know how she achieved it. She had a certain way about her, didn't suffer fools & didn't care if people didn't like her - she had enough that did - almost in a disciple-like fashion.  Oddly. 

    Of course it is unfair.  Your therapist likely meant to preface the comment with "in an ideal world" but neglected to do so.  You can take this post to your average NT person and receive a complimentary blank look in exchange, and I'd include many within Mental Health Services in that comment.  The world is stacked against ND people, as it is against all minorities. 

    The more rubbish you come up against, the more likely you'll wind up with PTSD to go with the masking & everything else.  cPTSD in my case.  Be sure to get your diagnosis of ASD in before some NT assessor makes an error and confuses your ASD with your PTSD though (a common scenario).  

    I was waiting for the part that I didn't agree with, but it didn't arrive.  Congratulations I guess.  Welcome to the forum.  

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed

    Thanks for your response, its really thoughtful and I agree with all you say and can hear the despondency at having to deal with it. I am sorry to hear you have ended up with CPTSD.

    I think what you say about your mother being able to achieve acceptance and coping by not caring about what others think seems really key, I think I need to try and develop a thicker skin in terms of others opinions though its difficult when sensitive to others.

    Thank you for flagging the problems around diagnosis! As you suggested, I also had to contend with two years of same therapist saying ...

    'just because you are traumatised, doesn't mean you are autistic'. I replied, but it doesn't mean I'm not? ASD and trauma are not mutually exclusive!!!!? 

    Thanks for welcoming me to the forum :)

Reply
  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed

    Thanks for your response, its really thoughtful and I agree with all you say and can hear the despondency at having to deal with it. I am sorry to hear you have ended up with CPTSD.

    I think what you say about your mother being able to achieve acceptance and coping by not caring about what others think seems really key, I think I need to try and develop a thicker skin in terms of others opinions though its difficult when sensitive to others.

    Thank you for flagging the problems around diagnosis! As you suggested, I also had to contend with two years of same therapist saying ...

    'just because you are traumatised, doesn't mean you are autistic'. I replied, but it doesn't mean I'm not? ASD and trauma are not mutually exclusive!!!!? 

    Thanks for welcoming me to the forum :)

Children
  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed

    You/re right, it seems like I've been doing a lot of cutting people off of late. Feeling a bit conflicted about this, but ultimately I don't want to be spending lots of time with people who repeatedly invalidate me or make me feel like I'm being spoken down to, or looked down upon. Life is too short for that!

  • in reply to Kirstie
    Kirstie said:
    I think I need to try and develop a thicker skin in terms of others opinions though its difficult when sensitive to others

    Maybe the trick here is to identify where these opinions are coming from and try to cut them off at source, if possible.  Not everyone is so primitive - and life too short to waste time growing a thicker skin.