'I don't think it's a luxury in life to have your needs met'.

Kirstie said:

He replied 'I don't think its a luxury in life to have your needs met'. As if, that was just a basic right and one I should easily be able to attain.

This becomes tricky when you require other people to make changes in order for your needs to be met.

You have now moved into the position where you have become an inconvenience at best or a burdon at worst and this then, potentially impacts their needs being met too.

For example if they feel the need to have music playing in the background while working and you need it to be off - whose needs are more important?

When it comes to social interactions then there is also the need for them to behave differently when dealing with you (as an example) and explaining thinks more long windedly than they would to their NT colleagues - this takes more time and effort, eating into their working day.

I can't give a solution as I don't think there is one - we can ask for our needs to be met but we are reliant on the good will of others to do it, and in my experience few have the capacity or willingness to do so.

My approach has been to look after myself as best I can and not expect any help from others. Where I do need to interact with others then I train myself on the "rules of engagement" and deal with it on their terms as I believe the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few where it comes to situations where the few are capable of adapting.

I've been able to learn when to stop caring about the opinions of others where I need to - mindfulness has been my way of doing this.

Learning to stop trying to fix every wrong is also a big part of finding peace - the energy and damage from trying to always "do the right thing" is not worth the cost. I've been the defender of the underdog for way too long and it only ever brings pain so I've learned to let go and look after myself first.

I choose my battles much more carefully now and have way more energy and focus so the outcomes are better on average.

Just my thoughts and experiences on this subject.

You could be right about gender playing a role, and I certainly have felt this with male authority figures in particular!

Thanks for this comment, I am trying to do this too, and find relief in things I love, art, dogs, wild swimming. I think I will just continue in this way doing more of what brings peace and less of what brings stress (people!) x

I agree with the double empathy problem, its frustrating when you try and meet people halfway, yet the onus always seems to be on us to adapt to their way of thinking rather than a two way conversation. Thanks for the understanding x

You/re right, it seems like I've been doing a lot of cutting people off of late. Feeling a bit conflicted about this, but ultimately I don't want to be spending lots of time with people who repeatedly invalidate me or make me feel like I'm being spoken down to, or looked down upon. Life is too short for that!

I wonder how different your experience would have been if you were male? The things you've told us that were said to you, are far more likely to be said to a woman, men see you as threatening and unfeminine and women see you as showing them up and stepping outside of the group, women always seem very keen to enforce norms on other women.

I've been in similar situations to yours, it's incredibly stressful and confusing, it can feel like the whole world's against you, that there's no safe places anymore. I think it's one of the reasons I've moved so often and don't tend to keep in contact with people from "previous lives", I dont' change myself so much as readjust my environment away from the toxic people and connections and even places, it's difficult to heal when there's a ghost on every street corner.

Are we as ASC people really more sensitive to injutice, more moral, more likely to speek up for the underdog, are we more sensitive to the careless comments and conformity in the face of such obvious injustices than NT people or do they move through the world in a state of blunted emotions, cut off from the pain and suffering inflicted by such as narrow set of criteria expected in the NT world. No wonder you have PTSD, I have cPTSD, PTSD is common in ASC people. I mentally recoat my aura with teflon everynow and again in the hope they everyday cruelties will slide off, it even works sometimes and reminding myself that how ever bad I'm feeling, I'm glad I don't have to live in the head of the person I've just had a bruising encounter with, because if what comes out of thier mouths is anything to go by, the inside of thier heads is a swamp of nastiness and self loathing. Be glad you don't have to live there

Hi and welcome to the community. I empathise with your dilemma - I've been in similar situations.

It should not be a luxury to have your needs met, but unfortunately in reality it is. It's due to the "double empathy" issue, I think - people who aren't autistic can't imagine what it's like to have the thoughts, feelings and needs of an autistic person and vice versa.

 I'm now in my sixties and retired, and I'm wondering if it's worth the effort trying to have friends. Even with people I like or who are nice to me, it's still like I can't really show them "all of me". It's hard work. I'm very lucky to have a partner (also ND) who I can be myself with, he's really the only one.

Kirstie said:

I think I need to try and develop a thicker skin in terms of others opinions though its difficult when sensitive to others

Maybe the trick here is to identify where these opinions are coming from and try to cut them off at source, if possible.  Not everyone is so primitive - and life too short to waste time growing a thicker skin.  

Thanks for your response, its really thoughtful and I agree with all you say and can hear the despondency at having to deal with it. I am sorry to hear you have ended up with CPTSD.

I think what you say about your mother being able to achieve acceptance and coping by not caring about what others think seems really key, I think I need to try and develop a thicker skin in terms of others opinions though its difficult when sensitive to others.

Thank you for flagging the problems around diagnosis! As you suggested, I also had to contend with two years of same therapist saying ...

'just because you are traumatised, doesn't mean you are autistic'. I replied, but it doesn't mean I'm not? ASD and trauma are not mutually exclusive!!!!? 

Thanks for welcoming me to the forum :)

My Mother (didn't believe in mental health conditions, likely Autistic herself) would always tell me that I should force myself to fit in or I'd have a miserable life.  That meant masking.  So I masked, unwittingly - not deliberately.   Had someone told me I was doing it, I'd probably have stopped - you develop this coping strategy which becomes a necessity, I believe. 

The irony with my Mother is that she was accepted as being an individualist, and respected for it.  I really don't know how she achieved it. She had a certain way about her, didn't suffer fools & didn't care if people didn't like her - she had enough that did - almost in a disciple-like fashion.  Oddly. 

Of course it is unfair.  Your therapist likely meant to preface the comment with "in an ideal world" but neglected to do so.  You can take this post to your average NT person and receive a complimentary blank look in exchange, and I'd include many within Mental Health Services in that comment.  The world is stacked against ND people, as it is against all minorities. 

The more rubbish you come up against, the more likely you'll wind up with PTSD to go with the masking & everything else.  cPTSD in my case.  Be sure to get your diagnosis of ASD in before some NT assessor makes an error and confuses your ASD with your PTSD though (a common scenario).  

I was waiting for the part that I didn't agree with, but it didn't arrive.  Congratulations I guess.  Welcome to the forum.