Newly diagnosed 47yo man

I got diagnosed last year at 44. I know I'm outnumbered in this world so I stick to hobbies and the internet, it's very fustrating. I don't fit in anywhere and I don't really want to. People are cruel and I can't stand them anymore. A big problem for me is the nagging expectations of family, society, and having enough money when I'm old. 

I agree it's definitely more like forcing ourselves to conform.

I often see myself making choices based on what I think I "should" choose. I'm trying to adjust that way of thinking to be more about what I really want.

I had a realisation recently that when I've been successful "fitting in" I've thought that was good, but I was fitting into things I wouldn't enjoy being part of, so what was the point?!?

The episode of the IT crowd whee they end up at a football match is a fitting metaphor. 

Bottom line is being confident and more self assured. So easy to say but putting it into practice is hard and sometimes terrifying, I've programmed myself to "fit in" for so many years.

 Another Autistician Waynelee10 Thank you for this. I have been on a similar journey and I'm sure I'm not alone. Personally, I don't feel that "masking" is the right word for what I have done all these years. To me it is more like "trying to conform". It is exhausting especially as we get older. I have found quiet time on my own helps me "recharge". I have also found Autistic Adult Zoom Groups such as Autistic Elders really helpful as a way to be myself and have time when I don't have to work so hard at appearing "normal". Concentrating on how my autism has been and us my strength also helos.

Really tricky for those around us. Another Autistician You are right. We have not changed. We just understand why we are how we are. It took me a couple of years to get to this point though.

Welcome aboard!

I had mine at 49, it's been a year since.

Similar thoughts hit me at the time, things people said didn't make sense, surely this made a difference, but a year later it's a lot clearer.

My wife has spent decades with me and the only difference to her was finding out "why" I am, rather than what I am. So to her things didn't change. The things she loves and the things she doesn't are all still there, I'm still "me".

Unmasking is a weird concept, everyone masks, it's just for autistic people it's a crucial life saving need,  rather than just a way to make social gains. You'll find some of that mask is just who you are after being alive adapting to the world we live in. Other bits you've added to keep you safe. You'll find you still need a lot of those. you'll find that most people won't really react to your news or change how they are around you. At first that's annoying, but eventually you'll find it's not as negative as it seems. Some people will avoid talking about or drawing attention to it, that's actually quite often their way to be kind to you and avoid you feeling pushed out or different , rather than them being invalidating or dismissive. Everyone has a different way of caring and helping others.

Take your time, learn about yourself and what you need, take time making changes and telling people,  you can't undo those things, so be sure it's what you want.

You now know more about yourself, use that to your benefit and give others a little time and patience to understand it too.

Take care and keep us posted, there's a lot of people on here from all walks of life and ages, so it's a great community that's very supportive. However crazy your situation may feel, someone on here will have been there too and be able to help. 

Hi and welcome.

Just think about what would make you happier. If you feel you need adjustments at work, ask for them. If you don't want to go to social events because they make you anxious, politely decline. Talk to your wife about what makes you anxious so she can understand why you might not want to do something.

I hope you find this forum useful.

Hi,

I was diagnosed in my early 40’s. To be honest, in my experience, there is an element of “just carrying on”. It’s going to take time for you to fully understand the new you, what your triggers are and how to manage them. For me I found that supermarkets are a big one. I was always really anxious and short tempered in busy supermarkets. It wasn’t until I got noise cancelling head phones that I realised I can’t deal with the plethora of noises that occurred. Now I can go to the supermarket with far less of an issue. If I go with my wife we split the shopping list, I put my headphones on and go off to get my bits and we meet at the end.

Just give yourself time, the anxiety and depressive episode will subside over time, but you have to find what causes them and put measures in place to help you.

Waynelee10 said:

I want to be able to be me for a change without having to mask. But feel everone expects me to just carry on the same. 

Hello Wayne, welcome to the forum.

I understand what you mean about wanting to unmask and you can by all means do so, but be aware that to others they will see you start to act differently - weirder than you were before in some ways.

Consider how you would feel about another person close to you who started this strange behaviour change - you would probably think something was wrong with them or worse. It helps to realise this is the sort of image othes will have when you do this.

If you are comfortable with this and don't mind being socially distanced more so than at present then go ahead and unmask, but understand things will be different.

My personal experience and that of quite a few other late diagnosed males is that people don't want to know on the whole. There remains a stigma about any mental health issues and while you may want to educate them, there is a chance they won't want to know.

Especially with family be wary of pushing to educate them. There is an 80% chance of autism being genetic and even if they don't know this then you are raising the spectre of being one who is "wrong in the head" as I've been told by one relative. The taint of this in the family tree is something some are quite strongly against knowing about.

My own experience was to reduce my masking a bit while maintaining a survivable social life and not pushing it onto others to know about. I learned a lot about the subject and with the help of an autism knowledgale therapist was able to find ways to deal with childhood traumas I had completely blocked out, understand my experiences and behaviours in the light of autism and formulate approaches to making small changes in life to make life be much more comfortable for me.

It took a few years from diagnosis to get to my current state of being happy with myself, my traits and quirks but I feel in a really good place.

I even took early retirement to work on stuff I really love and it makes a tremendous difference not being a wage slave and needing to fit in just to pay the bills.

Just sharing my experiences - hopefully something in there is useful.

But if you look at a lot of people with asd they been abused in many different forms as we are trusting and a easy target

I got diagnosed at 47 to I always new I was different but my wife says not a bad way.. but it explains a lot in my life it become clearer over time . 

Congratulations on your diagnoses and welcome to the community!

During the period following a diagnosis, it can be common for us - especially as late-diagnosed adults - to experience a lot of emotional dysregulation. Besides feeling relief about getting our diagnosis, this can also include working through a phase where we experience confusion and/or (backward-focused) anger, frustration, grieving and more. So please don't worry if you experience this - it's normal! 

The NAS has a great set of articles focused on "after diagnosis", including one covering how you might feel during the subsequent days / weeks / months. You might find them of interest and/or helpful:

NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis

NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis including:

• Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
• Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
• Formal support following an autism diagnosis
• What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

In terms of what to do next, my advice at this point (ie soon after your diagnosis) would be to try and give yourself some time and breathing space to process and absorb everything that you've been through, and let your feelings settle down.

For me, as for many others here, my diagnosis turned out to be much more of the start of a new journey, rather than a conclusion full of ready-made solutions for my various difficulties.  

Therapy is often recommended after a diagnosis as a follow up action for your GP to arrange. You might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful, myself included:

The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy