Seeking guidance

Maybe there are, I don't know, but to me it seems that he needs to get a grip on his temper before anything else can happen.

I can relate o what you say there and it is definately how I have responded on many occasions but I think they are definately other signs of autism/ aspergers which may or may not have contributory factors ?

I had a friend who used to explode like this at the drop of a hat, especially when driving. I came to see it as him being deeply insecure about his place in the world and that he wasn't anywhere near as clever or as good as he thought he was. In the end I refused to get in a car with him because I was trapped with his temper tantrums and they made him dangerous. Other times I'd just refuse to engage with him and walk away, basically I treated him as I would a toddler having the terrible two's, other people challenged him too and he did stop, but I don't think it went further than skin deep, I stopped being around him completely not long after, I just refused to have to cope with it all. It's hard but sometimes I think the only thing you can do is walk away, they need to know that thier behaviour is totally unacceptable. To be honest, I'm not sure that it's a disorder in itself, rather than  a massive fit of pique that the world won't conform to how they think it should be, I think it's more like a missed developmental stage where they were never challenged properly when they were toddlers and they've learnt to keep having tantrums because it works, it keeps everyone around them walking on eggshells and pandering to thier temper, I think it makes them worse.

I don't know that much about it but have read a little and it appears to fit the behaviours he exhibits.

I don't know how diagnosable it is or if it is more of an Americanism. Here's one article I read

www.psychologytoday.com/.../intermittent-explosive-disorder 

Thank you! I definately do try to look out for myself but it took many years and much counselling to get me to that place and realise it wasn't me!

I remove myself from situations when it is bad and will do permanently if it gets much worse.

Thank you for all your thoughts- I think the subtle approach is best and good idea about the reading and implementing suggestion, for him to seek therapy or assessment is not an option and he's doesn't really have anyone else close. But thanks for your time and thoughts.

What is Explosive Disorder?

I think that Iain  has some great advice right there. I just wanted to remind you that you should also look after yourself. You’re saying, you’re frightened… It is very noble of you to look out for your partner but there is no such thing as an excuse for violence even if related to “something bigger”. You can be autistic AND a choleric person and if it is related to the suspected autism, it’s still his decision to not do something about it and continue to endanger you.
I don’t know how critical the situation is for you, but if it gets to the point of constant abuse (emotionally and/or physically), I beg you to seek out help for yourself.

Is there anyone else who has a strong connection with him who you think could try to persuade him to consider it (eg even take one of the free online tests to see if it indicates he may be neurodivergent)?

The reluctance to find out if he is autistic may be rooted in deep held misconceptions that it makes him defective or less of a person etc - there unfortunately are many people like this. It is incredibly hard to separate it from him as it has such a pervasive impact on his life and behaviour.

As such it can be really difficult to make that breakthough and it can end up damaging the relationship if it is pushed as it brings issues of trust and perceived bullying.

My approach, if I were in your shoes, would be to look at his issues and work out as best you can if they are related to autism, then look on here to see how people have developed coping strategies for them. Perhaps make some suggestions to your husband around these but don't mention they are related to autism.

This may help him reduce the stress and discomfort if these are indeed autistic in origin.

It may help to tell him explicitly how you feel about the explosive behaviour and if you fear for your safety etc. Try to keep this as calm but descriptive as you can and it may bring him to consider that he needs some treatment for it.

One approach would be to find a therapist who offers a specialisation on that issue but who is also knowledgable in autism - there is a good chance they will make that connection as part of the therapy.

It may also help to go to therapy yourself so he does not feel singled out. Couples therapy is also a good gateway to getting him to hear it from a professional.

All this is just around getting him to consider finding out if here is autistic - the route to a diagnosis takes years on the NHS or probably £1,000+ when private so it can be a hard sell to get him to do this.

Just a few thoughts from me - good luck with whatever you choose.