An Introduction

Hi,

I am 43, male.

In 2011, a GP told me I had anxiety.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with depression.

In late 2017, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 2

I was given medication for all these but all they did was make me sleepy.

Last year, my GP, after a lengthy discussion took me off the Bipolar medication. That night, my wife said 'well, I have always told you you do not have Bipolar. What you are is autistic and you have ADHD.'

How I scoffed!

Then, about 10 months ago, I began to take the idea of autism seriously.

In my working life, I work with people who are autistic and/or have ADHD everyday, so I went on the NHS website and the NICE website and began to apply what I was reading to me.

There it is in front of me, now, from NICE:

'persistent difficulties in social interaction' and 'resistance to change' and 'restricted interests'.

Plus:

'problems in obtaining or sustaining employment or education' and 'previous or current contact with mental health or learning disability services'.

In those words, right there, is me.

I do not have a diagnosis. I tried and was referred but they decided there was no point in it. However, a few weeks ago I received an email saying my referral was still being processed. I will follow this up as a diagnosis, actually, really matters to me and will help with work.

I am lucky, in that after 21 years in a professional role, going from job to job, letting people down, letting family down, letting myself down (or so it seemed), I actually work now for a whole bunch of neurodiverse people, working on behalf of neurodiverse people.

Since I began applying what I know of autism to my life, it is like the scared, anxious, little boy I once was (still very much am), is finally being liberated.

I will mask no longer (though removing that mask has not always been and is not, easy).

My whole essence is anxiety and managing anxiety. It always has been.

So, I came on here today to introduce myself, to read others' stories in the coming months and maybe also, someone recognise something of themselves in me and know they are not alone.

Thankyou.

  • Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the community. I can definitely relate to being misdiagnosed for years and then later on in life being diagnosed autistic. I‘m still accepting my own diagnosis and learning what it means for me. I‘m also in the process of learning how to unmask. Lovely to see I’m not alone !!

  • Thanks for sharing some of your story. I am 46 and was diagnosed yesterday and appreciated reading your post as another male in their 40’s. 

  • I simply allow myself to just do me now. I am very anxious as soon as I am with anyone but the closest family so, now, I either don't put myself through it or I go into it knowing I will mask and that I will need decompression time after. But, pretty much, I don't bother to put myself in that situation anymore. I have a wonderful close family but everyone else just causes angst. Having tried for 43 years to be sociable and it just causing my head (and heart) problems, I simply do not bother now.

  • my mum  is a very caring compassionate human, but i  look at her and can see that she is bemused at how i didnt amount to much in life. i got an architecture degree, but then went to work in a factory for 24 years! i dated a lot, but they go nowhere. my life is simple. sub-consciously i think any complications will cause me to  freakout. the thing is, the older i get, the more i want to retreat into my shell.  its like im also living a virtual life inside my head. a life where i am socially confident and feel able to hold a conversation with a stranger. then i'm back in the real world  being timid me.

  • My mum still thinks I was the ideal neurotypical child who should have gone on to greatness. It must have been hard on her these past few decades seeing her dreams for me quashed but she is, slightly, more accepting of me now. But, she finally understands I think why I always threw tantrums and became a meltdown monster at my birthday parties and yet, usually, was such a polite little chap.

  • Hi, it is 06:40 here and finally, after a few weeks of build-up and a week or so of family, I have no more committments other than those closest to me. I can actually feel the anxiety departing my body as I sit here, and this morning, and for the next few weeks at least, I can at last take the mask off and just be me.

  • I tell my mum it's like I'm a kid, sitting at a dining table full of adults.

    This is very similar to what I’ve been trying to explain my mom for years. I told her I feel not fully grown up. But she doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to educate herself. She only says I’m not autistic (because I don’t fit her stereotype of what autism is) so without family input and lacking a lot of records from my childhood, probably thrown away by my mom, I don’t know if I ever actually get diagnosed. 

  • Wow this sounds awfully familiar. 

    Since I began applying what I know of autism to my life, it is like the scared, anxious, little boy I once was (still very much am), is finally being liberated.

    I am 52. I am trying to educate my parents about autism, but its hard. I tell my mum it's like I'm a kid, sitting at a dining table full of adults. Understanding some, but not all of whats being said. I feel better knowing you are all out there.....somewhere.

  • Thankyou. I recognise myself in much of your reply. I have compared myself to others for a very long time but now I have some understanding of why we are different. As for school, interestingly, I always would say I enjoyed school but I am coming to realise that is not true but that is for another time, thankyou.

  • Thankyou. Proactive is very much the right term.

  • Yes, the darmn meds make us less productive.

    However, the failures of the NHS is a prompt to become proactive; rather than reactive.

    We are a good support network.

  • Hello, and welcome to the forum.

    I'm female, in my mid sixties. I had no idea I might be on the spectrum until around 8 years ago, when I saw a documentary that featured an autistic woman and thought "I'm like her!"

     I never thought I had difficulties in social interaction, I just thought I'd been unlucky in having family & friends who didn't really understand me. In one way I was correct, but what I didn't realise was that I also didn't really understand them and how their minds worked - it's known as the double empathy problem. Also I think that having been with a partner who I also believe is autistic for all my adult life has meant that because he connects with me, I thought that if others didn't it must be them, not me.

    I never thought I was resistant to change, I actually often enjoy a change if it's either implemented by me (so I'm in control) or I can see the benefit and know when it's going to happen (so I can prepare). But at work I never liked having to change tasks quickly, "hot desking", or going off site - which is really about resistance to change in my working environment.

    I have always found the "restricted interests" thing difficult to understand - my interests aren't restricted , I have had loads of different interests over my lifetime and usually have 2 or 3 on the go at any one time. I think it's more about the intensity of interest - for example, I had an interest in dogs when I was young and I learned every dog breed - and I can still remember them all now. 

    Problems in sustaining employment or education and a history of anxiety and sometimes depression is definitely me, however I thought that could happen to anyone. I suppose it can, but it's probably just chance for the neurotypical population while being standard for autistic people. A few months back I remember a friend of mine saying she enjoyed school, which was a bit of a shock to me as I couldn't imagine anyone enjoying it.

    Anyway, that's enough rambling from me - ask us anything you want to know, and hope you enjoy chatting with us.

  • Thankyou Mr T. I am glad to have posted.

  • Welcome to the latelings club. You describe a scenario that a lot of us can relate to. I hope you find support from fellow autists on this forum.

  • Thankyou. That means a lot.

  • Greetings aegelsthrep!