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An Introduction

aegelsthrep

Hi,

I am 43, male.

In 2011, a GP told me I had anxiety.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with depression.

In late 2017, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 2

I was given medication for all these but all they did was make me sleepy.

Last year, my GP, after a lengthy discussion took me off the Bipolar medication. That night, my wife said 'well, I have always told you you do not have Bipolar. What you are is autistic and you have ADHD.'

How I scoffed!

Then, about 10 months ago, I began to take the idea of autism seriously.

In my working life, I work with people who are autistic and/or have ADHD everyday, so I went on the NHS website and the NICE website and began to apply what I was reading to me.

There it is in front of me, now, from NICE:

'persistent difficulties in social interaction' and 'resistance to change' and 'restricted interests'.

Plus:

'problems in obtaining or sustaining employment or education' and 'previous or current contact with mental health or learning disability services'.

In those words, right there, is me.

I do not have a diagnosis. I tried and was referred but they decided there was no point in it. However, a few weeks ago I received an email saying my referral was still being processed. I will follow this up as a diagnosis, actually, really matters to me and will help with work.

I am lucky, in that after 21 years in a professional role, going from job to job, letting people down, letting family down, letting myself down (or so it seemed), I actually work now for a whole bunch of neurodiverse people, working on behalf of neurodiverse people.

Since I began applying what I know of autism to my life, it is like the scared, anxious, little boy I once was (still very much am), is finally being liberated.

I will mask no longer (though removing that mask has not always been and is not, easy).

My whole essence is anxiety and managing anxiety. It always has been.

So, I came on here today to introduce myself, to read others' stories in the coming months and maybe also, someone recognise something of themselves in me and know they are not alone.

Thankyou.

Parents

  • Wow this sounds awfully familiar. 

    aegelsthrep said:
    Since I began applying what I know of autism to my life, it is like the scared, anxious, little boy I once was (still very much am), is finally being liberated.

    I am 52. I am trying to educate my parents about autism, but its hard. I tell my mum it's like I'm a kid, sitting at a dining table full of adults. Understanding some, but not all of whats being said. I feel better knowing you are all out there.....somewhere.

  • in reply to Violetfred
    Violetfred said:
    I tell my mum it's like I'm a kid, sitting at a dining table full of adults.

    This is very similar to what I’ve been trying to explain my mom for years. I told her I feel not fully grown up. But she doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to educate herself. She only says I’m not autistic (because I don’t fit her stereotype of what autism is) so without family input and lacking a lot of records from my childhood, probably thrown away by my mom, I don’t know if I ever actually get diagnosed. 

Reply
  • in reply to Violetfred
    Violetfred said:
    I tell my mum it's like I'm a kid, sitting at a dining table full of adults.

    This is very similar to what I’ve been trying to explain my mom for years. I told her I feel not fully grown up. But she doesn’t understand and doesn’t want to educate herself. She only says I’m not autistic (because I don’t fit her stereotype of what autism is) so without family input and lacking a lot of records from my childhood, probably thrown away by my mom, I don’t know if I ever actually get diagnosed. 

Children
  • in reply to Violetfred

    I simply allow myself to just do me now. I am very anxious as soon as I am with anyone but the closest family so, now, I either don't put myself through it or I go into it knowing I will mask and that I will need decompression time after. But, pretty much, I don't bother to put myself in that situation anymore. I have a wonderful close family but everyone else just causes angst. Having tried for 43 years to be sociable and it just causing my head (and heart) problems, I simply do not bother now.

  • in reply to aegelsthrep

    my mum  is a very caring compassionate human, but i  look at her and can see that she is bemused at how i didnt amount to much in life. i got an architecture degree, but then went to work in a factory for 24 years! i dated a lot, but they go nowhere. my life is simple. sub-consciously i think any complications will cause me to  freakout. the thing is, the older i get, the more i want to retreat into my shell.  its like im also living a virtual life inside my head. a life where i am socially confident and feel able to hold a conversation with a stranger. then i'm back in the real world  being timid me.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    My mum still thinks I was the ideal neurotypical child who should have gone on to greatness. It must have been hard on her these past few decades seeing her dreams for me quashed but she is, slightly, more accepting of me now. But, she finally understands I think why I always threw tantrums and became a meltdown monster at my birthday parties and yet, usually, was such a polite little chap.