Newly diagnosed saying hello

I'm working as a software engineer and am late 30s and have recently officially been officially diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. It seems they no longer use the term Aspergers?

But anyway, I have had various issues all my life that I couldn't really put into words but mainly stemming I guess from not understanding why people behave the way they do and I suffered quite a lot at school. I tended to be more the quiet type who read a lot and stayed in his room. Looking back on it I am beginning to realise I behaved a lot like I do now but didn't have the ability to explain how I felt different and unfortunately children tend to pick on those who are different.

I had in my 20s a couple of periods off work for extended periods. Diagnosed as anxiety related and had CBT therapy for that. I think in some respect it's almost like I have discovered my own way of managing myself in life. So like I am living as an actor in my own life and I can hold down a job and a relationship so I am very lucky in that respect

What I find hard is other peoples emotions. It's almost like I feel what they are feeling and I cannot in my head understand and it's like I want to explode so to cope I switch off and become emotionally detached, I had read about Aspergers and done tests that said I had high scores but in some ways was very confused because I thought Aspergers was lack of emotion and in many ways I am the opposite. I had a awful temper when I was younger and still do. I guess I analyse myself so much that I feel like I have to control myself all the time. I actually cannot watch certain TV programs like Eastenders because I feel physically uncomfortable.

I always find social situations difficult. I tend to show my face and then disappear. I also find it very hard to look at people, especially their eyes. More people in a situation the worse it is and if they aren't interested in what I am saying then I find it hard to be interested. Apparantly I also have a habit of talking too loudly (even though I can't hear it) and I don't know when I am supposed to talk so I talk over people. I find things go round and round in my head like I can't switch them off.

Other problems are becoming obsessed over things and wanting them so much but then suddenly becoming bored and no longer interested. So if I find a book I like I would want to buy the whole series and everything possible by that author, or I get a song in my head and I have to play it on constant loop. I also have problems with bright light for some reason, no idea why that may be related.

Any change at work or life, any stress and I can feel like I am losing control and my mask slips. Social interaction goes out of the window and I say exactly how I feel. To the point of rudeness frankly. But it's like inside I can feel physically that something is wrong. Any new situations scare me, like an accelerated fear response and somehow I am convinced I will get told off. I procrastinate all the time and constantly obsess over things, talking them to death until something else comes along.

I have a lot to learn about me and what this means in my life. I went to the doctor because I felt I needed a diagnosis on what was wrong with me and now I do. Also i am looking at progressing up the career ladder and that involves more manager work and dealing with people is an issue, as I think this far too long message says. Part of me likes being different and looking at the world from the outside but it's not easy and I want to know how to fit into the world. I guess I see that in some ways being me has advantages, I have a good attention to detail (as long as I curb my perfectionist streak) and I have found a job I can do well but it is hard

I don't know if any of this makes sense, I just felt I needed to connect with people who might be able to help me understand who I am.