New Autistic

I am not sure where to start, so I will just start with a narrative of myself.

First things first: Hi to everyone and I am excited to meet people who can understand me and my weirdness! 

I have just recently, within the month, been diagnosed with Autism. I am 40, middle-class white male and just figuring out why I am "different" then the rest. I was always the weird one in the corner that people seemed to ignore, or at least that was the perception I had. At this point in my life, I have no life outside of work and I have no friends. I have been through my fair share of therapy that did not work, and now I understand why. I analyze myself so much, on a constant basis, that when I had a professional tell me I "need' to do x, y, or z, it was not a revelation and was insulting to a degree. I knew the answers, yet I could not get myself to DO what I knew I "must" do.

I have gone through being told I am co-dependent, I have been told I am manipulative, and I have been called cold and unemotional, all while harboring deep emotions and not knowing how to express myself in ways people might understand. I would get overwhelmed and start hitting my head on things to make the pain stop, and no one understood that I was being literal, that it was painful! I have found ways to cope and not hit my head any longer, but I still cannot get people to understand that it really IS painful when I get overwhelmed, that I REALLY cannot think... But again, now I understand why, and I am teaching myself to accept these things and unlearning social stigmas that have been pushed on me, whether intentional or unintentional.

One thing I struggle with is being a white male, I feel like I do not belong... I started researching and looking for resources once I found I am autistic, and most resources I found are for non-white, non-male autistic individuals. In some ways, I feel marginalized because I cannot find a place I "fit-in". I have had a social stigma placed on me that because I am a white male, middle-class and middle-aged, I "should" be like (insert social standardized image). I do not fit in this, so I can only assume that my not fitting in, maybe imposter syndrome, is due to my own perspective of not fitting into this structure that I have been taught is what I am supposed to be. I get lost trying to figure out what is me and what are the pieces that I have put in place to mask and be the "normal" neurotypical person.

That out of the way, after doing research on Autism and what is out there, I am almost (if not fully) ashamed to be human... I cannot believe that we are in the 21st century and performing torture in the name of science and therapy... Yet here we are. I have been in this bubble, isolated in my own solace and stigma, that I have not seen the world around me as it is. Now that I am unmasking, I am seeing just how truly stigmatizing society is, how demeaning and demanding it is, how the color of skin and gender is still what people base decisions on... And this is yet one more thing that I now understand just WHY I see things differently. It is sad to say, but I feel like being autistic gives me the ability to see people for who they really are, gender and race aside. I have always known I am different here too, but now I can see just how different and how the battle still rages on daily in people's lives who truly are discriminated against.

I have a fire to advocate not just for myself, but for these other people, really for all people, who might not be able to advocate for themselves or who could use a hand doing so. I think logically of course, and with this I think "maybe I can use the fact that I am a white middle-class male to my advantage to advocate for these other groups." I hope I can bring some light to a world that isn't made for us, and I hope I can bring the world to the light, where all people can be seen as equals, regardless of anything physical or mental about us. I lose hope, but I will do what I can to make any life I touch better by being a part of it. Maybe it is enough.

...

So that is a lot, and I hope it is a decent introduction. I suck at these things. I am looking to make connections, be "social" in some aspect, find my people, help someone, and be a "decent human being" as my brother likes to phrase. As I am new to all of this, I will always welcome advice and corrections. My goal in life at this point is to become a better... I want to say human, but I do not like most humans so I will just say to become a better "being".