New Autistic

I am not sure where to start, so I will just start with a narrative of myself.

First things first: Hi to everyone and I am excited to meet people who can understand me and my weirdness! Slight smile

I have just recently, within the month, been diagnosed with Autism. I am 40, middle-class white male and just figuring out why I am "different" then the rest. I was always the weird one in the corner that people seemed to ignore, or at least that was the perception I had. At this point in my life, I have no life outside of work and I have no friends. I have been through my fair share of therapy that did not work, and now I understand why. I analyze myself so much, on a constant basis, that when I had a professional tell me I "need' to do x, y, or z, it was not a revelation and was insulting to a degree. I knew the answers, yet I could not get myself to DO what I knew I "must" do.

I have gone through being told I am co-dependent, I have been told I am manipulative, and I have been called cold and unemotional, all while harboring deep emotions and not knowing how to express myself in ways people might understand. I would get overwhelmed and start hitting my head on things to make the pain stop, and no one understood that I was being literal, that it was painful! I have found ways to cope and not hit my head any longer, but I still cannot get people to understand that it really IS painful when I get overwhelmed, that I REALLY cannot think... But again, now I understand why, and I am teaching myself to accept these things and unlearning social stigmas that have been pushed on me, whether intentional or unintentional.

One thing I struggle with is being a white male, I feel like I do not belong... I started researching and looking for resources once I found I am autistic, and most resources I found are for non-white, non-male autistic individuals. In some ways, I feel marginalized because I cannot find a place I "fit-in". I have had a social stigma placed on me that because I am a white male, middle-class and middle-aged, I "should" be like (insert social standardized image). I do not fit in this, so I can only assume that my not fitting in, maybe imposter syndrome, is due to my own perspective of not fitting into this structure that I have been taught is what I am supposed to be. I get lost trying to figure out what is me and what are the pieces that I have put in place to mask and be the "normal" neurotypical person.

That out of the way, after doing research on Autism and what is out there, I am almost (if not fully) ashamed to be human... I cannot believe that we are in the 21st century and performing torture in the name of science and therapy... Yet here we are. I have been in this bubble, isolated in my own solace and stigma, that I have not seen the world around me as it is. Now that I am unmasking, I am seeing just how truly stigmatizing society is, how demeaning and demanding it is, how the color of skin and gender is still what people base decisions on... And this is yet one more thing that I now understand just WHY I see things differently. It is sad to say, but I feel like being autistic gives me the ability to see people for who they really are, gender and race aside. I have always known I am different here too, but now I can see just how different and how the battle still rages on daily in people's lives who truly are discriminated against.

I have a fire to advocate not just for myself, but for these other people, really for all people, who might not be able to advocate for themselves or who could use a hand doing so. I think logically of course, and with this I think "maybe I can use the fact that I am a white middle-class male to my advantage to advocate for these other groups." I hope I can bring some light to a world that isn't made for us, and I hope I can bring the world to the light, where all people can be seen as equals, regardless of anything physical or mental about us. I lose hope, but I will do what I can to make any life I touch better by being a part of it. Maybe it is enough.

...

So that is a lot, and I hope it is a decent introduction. I suck at these things. I am looking to make connections, be "social" in some aspect, find my people, help someone, and be a "decent human being" as my brother likes to phrase. As I am new to all of this, I will always welcome advice and corrections. My goal in life at this point is to become a better... I want to say human, but I do not like most humans so I will just say to become a better "being".

  • Thank you for the resources!

  • Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community!

    Like you, I also feel that the overall process has given me a very different perspective not just on myself, but also on other people.

    Whilst your advocacy plans sound great, please don't forget to take time for yourself, especially during these early, post-diagnosis stages. In case you haven't already seen it, there's a lot of really helpful info here from the NAS:

    After diagnosis

    I have been through my fair share of therapy that did not work, and now I understand why.

    Therapy is often also recommended after diagnosis. In case you're still interested in finding support that actually works for you, this book might be of help - it definitely was for me (I'd also tried therapy before, without benefit):

    The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

  • Lol I love it though thank you! Grin 

  • Welcome! You have always been autistic, you are not a new one. (But I know what you meant) Grin

  • Welcome to the community! I can relate to a lot of what you described, I’ve experienced this already a lot in this forum - my own experience reflected on me. I hope you find your place and like minded people here. 
    Since I realised why I’m different I’m more compassionate to myself. I see myself through new lens. I’m not s as loser anymore, I’ve just done the best I could to improve myself but I can’t be like others and that’s it. I also have a long history of being diagnosed with something, there was depression, anxiety and Tourette in my teens. When I heard that I need to stop having fear from people, I was confused and I asked myself “do I fear people?”. Now it makes perfect sense, the interactions are exhausting because of overwhelm, and the torturing thoughts- repetitions before the interaction and afterwards - replay of what I could have said differently or not at all. So telling me to stop fearing people was unhelpful. And there are many more examples of how my problems were misunderstood and misinterpreted. Anyway welcome home!

  • Hello and wellcome to the community. It is hard when you are diagnosed to find your place and I hope you do find understanding here. It is great you wish to advocate for the autistic community. I am always keen to encourage understanding, especially with Rail companies.