Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, thought i’d introduce myself and would really appreciate some feedback from anyone on your perspectives on my experience as i’m currently undiagnosed, awaiting assessment, but am exploring the possibility that I could be autistic.
I am a female in my late 20s and grew up in a working class family where, with no ill intention, problematic themes in my childhood were not recognised nor addressed. I suspect my Dad to be quite significantly autistic but remains undiagnosed, he has a typical male presentation. I trained and become a psychotherapist as a career.
I have experienced recurrent mental health problems since childhood - most prominently OCD. I was selective mute from childhood into teen years and had a stutter. I grew out of the stutter and started to talk more to others as i got older but still always felt a difference between me and them. I had lots of compulsions during childhood and rituals to manage such as ordering things. In adulthood, despite gaining a career and having more social interactions, the OCD amplified with focus on my vision. I am very sensitive to light and can become hyper focused on bodily sensations that people usually do not have awareness of. My brain often feels like it runs 100mph, and like it’s ‘on fire’ by the end of the day particularly if ive been in challenging environments with lighting and socialising. I tend to experience difficulties with understimulation as well as overstimulation, so for example when i have to sit for a long period of time without focus i tend to want to stim in some way. I have developed lots of ways of stimming.
My mental health took a real crash in the last year after bereavement and health concerns in my immediate family, and i just could not cope with the change. I ended up with 2 months under the crisis team and subsequent access of therapy which is good but ive always felt a part of the jigsaw is missing. The above saw a recurrence in previously well managed OCD symptoms. This led me to explore autism a lot more seriously , after several mental health professionals mentioned it to me.
I still am in the phase of feeling a bit of an imposter for even thinking I could be autistic, as if its me being dramatic. I have been learning how females can present very differently to males at times. I just would appreciate some feedback from yourselves on the things ive said and if its rang true for anyone else’s experiences. Thanks so much!
It’s sounds like you very much indeed have autistic traits and definitely worth you exploring this further. I’ve only recently been diagnosed at 33 years old, like you I felt I had parents who didn’t address it either. This has resulted in most my adulthood full of mental health issues and diagnosis of BPD. I do wonder if I had been diagnosed and knew as a child that I was autistic, how different my mental health would have been, as I’ve too been under crisis team, been sectioned etc. But as I’m beginning to unmasking and learn more about my autism, I feel like my mood has started improving and learning ways to deal my difficulties which I always put down to being a bad person.
If you haven’t already, definitely do an AQ50 online test, as I found this really helpful when I was exploring autism before I was diagnosed. Here is a link to embrace autism, which, along with this NAS website, has been extremely helpful for me and might help you too: https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/
If I can say to, it’s not uncommon for autistic people to have comorbid conditions such as ADHD, and I’m like you in terms of hypo focus / under stimulation, and on my diagnosis report it was suggested I get referred for ADHD assessment. So you might want to also consider if you could also have ADHD, as if you are also ADHD, there might be some medication that can help with hypo focus and under stimulation etc.
Don’t feel like an imposter though, you’re definitely not being dramatic (although I’m hypocritical as I definitely have imposter syndrome even after being diagnosed lol)… you’re absolutely valid in exploring this further and considering that you could be autistic … which it sounds like you are!