Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, thought i’d introduce myself and would really appreciate some feedback from anyone on your perspectives on my experience as i’m currently undiagnosed, awaiting assessment, but am exploring the possibility that I could be autistic.
I am a female in my late 20s and grew up in a working class family where, with no ill intention, problematic themes in my childhood were not recognised nor addressed. I suspect my Dad to be quite significantly autistic but remains undiagnosed, he has a typical male presentation. I trained and become a psychotherapist as a career.
I have experienced recurrent mental health problems since childhood - most prominently OCD. I was selective mute from childhood into teen years and had a stutter. I grew out of the stutter and started to talk more to others as i got older but still always felt a difference between me and them. I had lots of compulsions during childhood and rituals to manage such as ordering things. In adulthood, despite gaining a career and having more social interactions, the OCD amplified with focus on my vision. I am very sensitive to light and can become hyper focused on bodily sensations that people usually do not have awareness of. My brain often feels like it runs 100mph, and like it’s ‘on fire’ by the end of the day particularly if ive been in challenging environments with lighting and socialising. I tend to experience difficulties with understimulation as well as overstimulation, so for example when i have to sit for a long period of time without focus i tend to want to stim in some way. I have developed lots of ways of stimming.
My mental health took a real crash in the last year after bereavement and health concerns in my immediate family, and i just could not cope with the change. I ended up with 2 months under the crisis team and subsequent access of therapy which is good but ive always felt a part of the jigsaw is missing. The above saw a recurrence in previously well managed OCD symptoms. This led me to explore autism a lot more seriously , after several mental health professionals mentioned it to me.
I still am in the phase of feeling a bit of an imposter for even thinking I could be autistic, as if its me being dramatic. I have been learning how females can present very differently to males at times. I just would appreciate some feedback from yourselves on the things ive said and if its rang true for anyone else’s experiences. Thanks so much!
The OCD you describe sounds like rumination and hyperfocus.
After being diagnosed I found out a lot about my traits and symptoms, one of which was the debilitating hyper focus on certain things, usually negative ones that I'd permanently run over and over in my head till I was exhausted, unable to do anything else but think about them. I'd previously assumed this was OCD rather than just autism on its own, but turns out it's a common trait in ASD. I think it could be the same mechanism that creates our special interests which are as strong and steel as much focus, but these are things we enjoy rather than our worries.
Autisician said: I'd permanently run over and over in my head till I was exhausted
Absolutely same here! I’m often exhausted by my replay of the same thoughts/dialogues etc to the point that I’m feeling sick like going to vomit and I get actually a headache from them but it still keeps playing and my brain is chewing it even for weeks or months. I was offered meds for that. Some neuroleptics that would make me gain weight and lactate. I decided to not take them.