35, newly diagnosed, feeling totally lost (long post)

I'm in the final stages of receiving my autism diagnosis after what feels like a life of constant struggle. The clinicians were happy to confirm their opinion of a diagnosis of ASD (GP referral, right to choose, zoom meetings). Now it goes back to my GP and my workplace and I'm left not knowing where to go next.

In the 90s I was an obsessive child who struggled with making friends and couldn't by any means take a joke - but that was about all that was considered at the time. "Autistic" seemed like a scary word that one kid had in the whole area.

Then when I was 10 my dad died at home and my obsessive behaviours, social difficulties and apparent lack of sense of humour declined further until my first period of severe depression at 15/16. School was bullying and not fitting in until I learned to mask, which I did really effectively. My sudden ability to be this person who wasn't "weird" was incredible and so carried on. Through all this underneath I struggled with my gender, my identity, negative self image and much more. Suicidal ideation became regular, violent outbursts were commonplace and I was seen by doctor after doctor, sent to therapy, put on every SSRI and mood stabiliser known to man, yet the cycle continued. Why didn't they consider ASD????

I had a small handful of relationships, all of which I began whilst masking and which subsequently fell to pieces. Self hatred was my thing, self blame and guilt was all I knew. 

I addressed my gender confusion by accessing GIC in 2020 but after a long difficult road, treatments (medication and therapy), I ended up questioning still. This led to the mother of all breakdowns on a short holiday with family. Then I requested a referral for ASD assessment.

An irony of all this is that from 22 until now I have worked as a support worker for those with learning disabilities and autism, and I have excelled at it. It's also stripped me of my wellbeing many times due to giving too much but has allowed me to get a small property mortgaged and pay for my car.

For my entire teenage and adult life I've waited and worked, for it finally to click in to place where I could finally feel I belong on this planet and that I have a chance at a fulfilling life. My thoughts have been fixed on how that can be done in a neurotypical society around neurotypical people. I used alcohol and recreational drugs which temporarily helped me to feel attached to society but which quickly wore off and caused a host of other problems - I'm now completely sober.

Realising now that my brain is not wired that way, and being the reason I have been caught in this loop, was at first a relief but now I feel completely lost. I am grieving for the life I thought I might finally achieve but now know isn't possible. I'm in the midst of full burnout, I can barely move from my bed, I can't engage my brain, I can't socialise, eating seems a pointless task and I just want to feel better. All of the talking and appointments and thinking about the future has caused this burnout but I've not even got a positive idea to soften the blow.

I'm worrying about typing this all out and reaching out, I've never done this before but I can't cope with feeling so alone. Every time I go to post it, there's more i feel I should include.

Anyway, thank you for reading my story, I hope someone can relate