Hello There

Hello all, 

I'm new to the community, but at the moment I'm self diagnosed on a looooong waiting list to be assessed. I was originally on the waiting list for just over two years, then I moved to live with my partner, and without warning they took me of the list. It was so disheartening and I think I cried for days. There was no email, or referring to be on a list in my new area. Nothing, just back to zero. Now I'm back on the list, but it did take me some time to get the courage to contact the new GP about it. When I was accepted the second time, it felt like a weight was lifted as to get approved to be on the waiting list there was so many intensive questions. It was interesting but slightly traumatizing thing how long I've gone and doubting myself struggling all this time... Now and then I get angry with how I've been treated and if I could have said I was autistic maybe old work places or friends might have understood why I am the way I am. 

I was diagnosed with Dyslexia as a child which did help with some things, but it felt like people don't understand it and just think I can't spell or need a color overlay when it is sooo much more than that. Even now I'm learning new stuff with how Dyslexia effects people. 

When I first started to think I was Autistic, I ask my dad (which thinking about it was a bad idea thinking about it),.... he laughed at me and said there is no way... I nearly cried he then said "everyone is a little autistic, so you might be slightly" and I tried to explain that that is so demeaning and inaccurate. However, the emotions where to much. 

Thankfully, my mum and my partner are extremely supportive. I feel so bad when I talk with my mum though, cause she feels guilty for not noticing and feels like some of the trauma I've faced is her fault. Which makes me so sad, she did a great job raising me on her own, and it breaks my heart to think she thinks she failed. 

Sorry for the long introduction, I don't really have many places to talk about these things, and I feel people won't take me seriously because I'm not officially diagnosed yet. Even my current boss it took me over 6 months to get an occupational health appointment for reasonable adjustments. Every time we have a team meeting, he always makes comments and asks me to join in the room, even though I've said many times it makes me uncomfortable and ill cause of overstimulation. 

I do find it interesting that Autism is harder to find in girls. I was shocked when I heard this, but it makes so much sense to why it's taken so long for me and I presume others to get to this point.

I'm not sure about others, but I have bursts of sadness and anger when I think about the past and how I dealt with situations over time. It makes me so angry that I felt it was acceptable for people to treat me the way they did. Being laughed at for being sensitive to noise, lights, smells, textures, touch and taste. Where I've had old bosses who used to creep up behind me and yell in my ear, or another one laughing at me and telling me I need to learn to cope with fire alarms cause if I'm in a fire I can't just sit in a corner having a meltdown. Or back in school when I was told to use my indoor voice, or bullied for being different to the point they erased my existence from photos from parties or made me feel so out of place. 

It annoys me that it took me until I was in my late twenties to realize my mum loves me... I always 'knew' but could never feel people love me if that makes sense? I thought it was obligatory, and family just had to... I felt alone for so long just because I didn't understand. I know know her love and we're so close now, she is my best friend. 

Anyway, thankfully now I have a partner who has helped me feel like myself and not feel out of place or weird. They understand when I can't speak, or things take longer to process. They're so understanding, it makes me feel safe. I generally have no idea what to do without them now though. 

Anyway, I will leave it there, as it's on a nice note. If you did read all this, thank you for hearing some of my story and I hope you're having a lovely day <3