In need of advice and help

Fiona said:

I worry that putting the blame on your daughter reinforces that she is a problem rather than a person who has problems with the world around her due to a condition that came with her genes.

This is a tricky one. The autism is making her feel bad about something but it is her choice of actions that is leading to the problem, not the autism itself.

Her actions are leadning you, her guardian, to have to take time off to deal with the consequences of her behaviour and the legal obligations you have to carry.

I would reccomend speaking to the schools SENCO and ask them for advice. This is not a rare occurrance and they can hopefully suggest some avenues for you to try.

Once you speak to the school and understand the consequences bit then tell her what the consequences are - losing the family home, you in prison, her in protective services etc - and reinforce that it is within her power to make the changes to stop this.

Personally I think having a very direct discussion about actions and consequences will help - try to find what is at the root of the issue as Fiona says and you may need to get her a therapist to work on this. It may be sensory, bullying or just her realising she has the power to defy you and not do the things she dislikes.

I'm not a fan of making every concession to the person causing the issues - they need to understand responsibility and consequences and that can be a harsh lesson. There will be plenty more of this in life so get the lessons in young and teach the tools to navigate these situations.

Thank you for the reply. It’s so hard as I’m trying to learn along the way and I don’t even know where to get advice from. The waiting lists for help is ridiculous, we went private for her diagnosis and will probably need to go private to get medication for her to sleep as nobody wants to help. I will definitely try the morning routine with her hopefully it helps. Thank you for the advice 

I don't have children, am an aunt to 4 with a lot of childminding experiences, so take my replies as a curious bystander rather than any experienced input! I am also a very literal autist, so you may find my responses pedantic.

MrsB said:

I feel like I have no control over her at the moment

Of course you don't, she's not a remote-control toy. She is a young human being who thinks differently from you.

MrsB said:

issues with her getting up in the morning to go to school and then she refuses to go to school

What is she avoiding or dreading? Is it overwhelming noise, bright lights, confusing teaching... Can those issues be addressed? One of my friends had trouble with her ADHD son (before his, and my, diagnoses). I asked her if she'd ever told her son when she was leaving the house to get to work, how long he would need to get ready in the morning and what the routine should be, so he knew what time to get up. She hadn't, she just shouted at him for not getting up, not brushing teeth, not getting to the door in time. Once she explained the routine, and timings, mornings became less fraught. He wasn't able to pick up on the things his neurotypical mum thought that everyone knew, they had to be pointed out.

MrsB said:

I am currently signed off work due to her behaviour

I suspect you are signed off work due to your response (frustration) to her behaviour... I only say this because I know from my own frustrations, sometimes the only thing I can change is my response to the situation, and it may not help you framing the problem as completely your daughter's fault (it isn't her fault, it's the world's fault for not accommodating her properly). So when my niece lies on the ground kicking and screaming temper tantrum in the middle of a shop, I can either reason with her or leave her to it. If I intervene I risk physical injury to myself, or shouting myself hoarse and annoying all the other people in the shop who are already annoyed with her noise. If I don't intervene it will burn out eventually. Particularly if she is ignored or laughed at (she is neurotypical). I worry that putting the blame on your daughter reinforces that she is a problem rather than a person who has problems with the world around her due to a condition that came with her genes.