Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I am not sure how to begin this post as I can be very poor at explaining things sometimes but I have often had poor experiences with extended family not understanding my needs.
With the exception of my parents and my aunt who have supported me, I have pretty much cut off contact with extended family due to abuse/emotional neglect. As per mentioned in a post (can't remember if I did mention before), I have had a family friend say that I did something in order to be abused and now often keep certain things about my mental health and autism to myself. In my culture (which is Carribean), I find that if you have autism or other disabilities as-well as mental health, people automatically think something is wrong with you and you are told to get over it or to be strong (due to the whole black people are strong stereotype), you are not allowed to be emotional as it is a form of weakness. I have also had family members disregard my boundaries like hugging me when I don't want to be touched or talking so much to the point where I am emotionally and physically exhausted as I have had to do years of masking (which I still do now at work as it is a survival tactic I have mastered over the years).
With my aunt who has supported me, she isn't autistic but suffers from clinical depression due to my cousin being murdered nearly 2 years ago; this cousin was another family member I was close to who accepted me as I was. At times, the same family friend I mentioned has said to me to get over him dying and for my aunt to do the same. I don't mention this to her because I know she would flip. She cannot do certain things sometimes and forgets stuff as she is grieving and my parents and I try to support her as much as we can especially as she is too depressed to work.
Due to these poor experiences, I feel ashamed of my skin color sometimes and wish I wasn't black; I don't know if other people have had other experiences like myself but yes I do feel that if family do not understand you it is better to cut them off than to let them in. It is also ironic how my family friend says to try to "reunite" with my extended family when they have treated me poorly, unfortunately my mum (who isn't autistic) has also had horrid experiences with her side of the family including sexual abuse. I think it is horrible to say these things as you are basically saying it is OK to be around abusers. I mean if I had children at some point in my life I would never bring them around people who abuse and anyone who thinks this is fine is sick in the head.
I am sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere.
My immediate family agreed that we won't tell my extended family at all because the way that they are and would likely not be very accepting or understanding of it. Only a few people in my circle know, only family and my work. Not even my close friends know, and if they do, it never gets talked about.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I feel it would definitely benefit you to have people that you can talk about it, but I appreciate that it's not that straightforward.
Thanks. :-) Luckily I'm very close and friends with everyone I work with (especially my boss) so it's been made clear to me that where I work is a safe place to talk about my experiences with being autistic. Not too bothered by my extended family not knowing as I never see them. Close friends is just a fact I've never really brought it up, but I feel deep down they 100% know because of my traits haha. This forum is mainly just my space to talk with people about experiences, which is good to have. :-)
That's great! It can be complicated; I used to have friends who were autistic too so it was fairly easy but with those who weren't, explaining what I need from them was a bit harder. I hope you feel you're getting what you need from this place.