Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I’ve found myself here after my autism assessment came out as not autistic, which really confused and upset me. I’m shocked. The ados2 part said I fit the criteria, and I scored like half on the other part. I can’t say I understand how after only five hours of knowing me she came to that decision. I was upset to read my report for them to say I had no signs of anxiety which was crazy because it just showed me how invisible my feelings really are. There was so much they didn’t understand about me and the way I communicate. Or don’t should I say. I’ve masked so well nobody can actually see me. I’ve never felt more understood by anybody more than the autistic community I’ve found online, like I fit in perfectly. I’ve never known kinder people and I feel like I’ve had the opportunity to be accepted taken away from me. Can I be here and find some comfort without a diagnosis? I have my adhd assessment still ahead of me and I’ll be absolutely mind blown if that one doesn’t come back that I do have it. I really feel like I won’t belong anywhere then. I feel unseen and I just would love the opportunity to make friends with people that understand what it’s like to be heavily masked and completely misunderstood for 35 years. If you have read this, then thank you, I just don’t know who I can talk to in this complicated world.
Fruitlesswonderer1234 said:I just don’t know who I can talk to in this complicated world.
Me.
If we are your tribe - then we are your tribe. Just because someone else cannot see or understand that, doesn't make it not true.
I can mask, imitate and emulate like a wizard. I display zero anxiety (in traditional forms) and I'm odd and unpredictable (in many ways.) I don't like to make a fuss, but when I do, I really can! I can be "the life and soul" or a "mute pebble."
Whilst I must trust that some "assessors" have the necessary skills to bypass my nonsense and see the "real me" beneath, I am pretty damn certain that a HUGE majority would "assess" me and "report" on me with a broad array of proclamations about "who" or "what" I am......none of which would agree!
If I wanted or needed someone to "assess" me to MY satisfaction (ie to a point where I felt that assessment had the chance of being valid to my own mind) then they would need to know me for a LONG time and see me in a whole variety of different situations - during which I would need to verbalise to them what my brain was doing in those situations. The whole dependence on "history" in diagnosis has the inherent weakness of what one chooses* to "tell" and what I chooses* to "leave out." The whole dependence on "observation" in diagnosis has the inherent weakness that some of us are EXCELLENT at hiding our true selves.....whether we want to or not!
Don't despair. Hang around here.
Number.
(*- or forgets, or doesn't see the relevance,)