Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. I’m new here, but wanted to say hi. I’ve had a rough few weeks and hoped some assistance would be on a forum like this. To introduce myself, I’m a 43 year old, father of 5 including step children. My ex partner and I have really struggled with our children, certainly more exaggerated since the separation and divorce. However, now some years on, things have begun to settle considerably. We dealt with all sorts as the two elder girls exploded emotionally, and while the eldest (step) has definite attention and drama issues, she has calmed a lot since moving in with her boyfriend. However, my 16 year old daughter has been difficult to cope with. In and out of various mental health services, drink and drug issues, toxic relationships, violent episodes, self harm and failed school (you name it!) and finally she has a councillor who has been tremendous. She has been diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD. And is self reflecting and learning to help herself in amazing ways. I have been a believer of “labelling kids doesn’t help.” Mostly because my relationship with my ex was equally toxic, and she has had “a little training” so knows everything. Terms such as “bi-polar”, “manic depression”, “neurotic” and ”narcissistic” have all been used to describe me and my kids for years, so I guess I put up a tall and strong brick wall. However, more recently I’ve had very open and frank discussions with my daughter, who is showing me why, how and what she does to help herself. This has led me to be very much a believer, and I’m so proud of her.
However….
She called me a few weeks ago, as she wished to run an idea she’d had past me. “Dad, I’m you.” “Ha! Finally! You admit it!” “No, I mean I’m literally you…. Hear me out.”
She then proceeded to explain, with no hint of malice, exactly what she does, that I do to. Stimming? I definitely don’t do that. - What about when you continuously flex your hands and fingers. - Well, I’ve always done that!
Hyperfixation - I don’t do that. - What about when you learnt magic tricks and bought all those expensive books? Or the 20 guitars you have because you did them up? The guitar pedals you learnt how to build from scratch? The camper van you learnt to make and then built? You learnt how to do a Rubix cube in a day? All the lists you write just in case you win the lottery or we go to war? To name a few? - Everyone does that right?
Scrolling/Day to day Paralysis - You spend hours on eBay just looking? You wait days or weeks to actually do really simple things because you forget? You don’t wash or clean your teeth regularly because you forget? - everyone does that in some way, right?
Inability to understand people’s feelings, and you feel no empathy for them? - I understand them…. I just don’t agree with them. Because most of the time they’re wrong.
You’ve always felt different to other people? - I’m not different, they are.
You lose things all the time? - that’s just because I forget
You can spend a whole day not moving at all? - that’s laziness.
You are constantly chasing a feel good dopamine hit? - I’m an aging rock star who had a crazy lifestyle, now alcohol, smoking and cans of monster are the legal versions… (didn’t say that to her!)
You throw tantrums if you get interrupted? - that’s because people should let me concentrate.
but you never finish the task? - not once I’ve lost my train of thought…
You try to be organised but fail because something catches your attention? - I haven’t got time to be organised and do these other cool things!
You’ve lived your life on stage but hate it, it makes you ill? - I get nervous, but then I just pretend to be someone else and I’m fine.
Dad. I’ve really thought about it, and I think some of the things I do, could help you to.
Right….. so that began my own self awareness journey. And she might actually have a point. So, I did an online test, but if it’s true, then my potential ADHD knocks and sways some of the potential ASD answers. At 43, I should be pretty good at masking too. As I said before, she meant this with no bad feeling, and she is proud that we are the same. But in my youth, I’d would have (and was) just called disruptive. That’s part of the reason I dropped out and became a musician even though I was a strong academic. As my teachers used to say, “he could do anything but he just stops, like he loses interest and focus.” I never really knew what that meant. It’s been rough on this journey of enlightenment to say the least. But any guidance would be really helpful. The things my daughter is “diagnosed on” are all things t that we share, so other than this being learnt behaviour… might I be too? This is by no means an exhaustive list.
Anyway, apologies for the long intro…. Perhaps that in itself shows I have certain attributes… who knows. I’m still quite confused and actually quite nervous. Thank you for getting to the bottom of the post.
It's highly likely because there is a strong genetic factor. It used to be thought nobody could be both autistic and ADHD, but now it is realised there is actually a lot of co-occurrence, and yes, the symptoms of one can disguise the other, making it harder to diagnose AuDHD (a handy term for having both).
If you want to pursue formal diagnosis (not everyone does) then it would be best to try and see someone who understands both and how they interact.
Thank you for that info. I will certainly look into it. It’s been a scary process so far, and one that I was somewhat unprepared for. But it has also answered a lot of questions and been strangely liberating. It’s interesting to look at the possibilities of genetics. When I look at my youth, and my Dad too…. Unfortunately I’m currently investigating on Google and YouTube. Ironically, my wife just thinks I’m getting obsessive about a new thing again!! Haha.