Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. I'm from the US, originally, and had to move away because their attitude shifted against my heritage. I find it perpetually counterproductive to go into detail on that, so I won't. Anyway, what I found is that I had met absolutely all of my friends through one common acquaintance. When the politics went crazy, everyone scattered, and I discovered I had suddenly been transported back to my post secondary school situation, such that I felt completely alienated and totally unable to connect with people in person. I wound up moving out of the country, and what I found is that no matter where I go, it's me that's the space alien. I had to conclude that I have autism. I have a lot of traits in common, but I'm happy and comfortable with them. I feel entirely able, except for one thing, and that's to connect with others in person.
I'm not entirely sure what it is that puts people off about me, but I've been told things like "you're a space cadet", and "you're not all there". I assume it has something to do with gaze and attention when interacting with someone. Whether it's blank stares, unfocused eyes, or zoning out, or wandering around inside my head because I feel like the ideas are the most important part of the discussion. People don't like it, and it's been very frustrating to feel like I'm cursed, and then arrive at the sneaking suspicion that maybe people are simply put off by my how my face moves during a conversation.
Am I the only one here who now wants to see how your face moves during conversation?
At least you get to conversation. I find people are put off as soon as I draw my breath to speak and usually quickly talk over me...
I'm curious to video chat and get some constructive critiques. I was talking to someone and she sent me her blankest-looking selfie, and I thought "Holy smokes, is that what I look like to people?". It's hard to judge because it ends up being a matter of interpretation, and your "normal" is not everyone else's "normal". I agree that the rejection is often bewilderingly immediate, and otherwise it may occur abruptly in the middle of an introduction you thought was going fine. Getting ditched at a venue when you thought you were making friends successfully? It's entirely typical, and depressing.