Published on 12, July, 2020
Am I grieving?
Being diagnosed with autism at the age of 30 was a defining moment in my life, but not in the way some might expect. Instead of unlocking a world of understanding, it felt like I had uncovered a Pandora's box of lost opportunities, missed connections, and the harsh reality of a childhood and education that slipped through my fingers.
As I reflect on my life, I can't help but feel the weight of a lost childhood. The struggles that seemed insurmountable, the friendships that never formed, and the feeling of being on the outside looking in – these are the echoes of my early years. Autism wasn't a badge of honor; it was a veil that clouded my perception and left me isolated.
My educational journey was a rocky road paved with misunderstandings and unmet needs. The challenges I faced were not acknowledged or addressed appropriately. Instead of support, I received confusion and frustration. The diagnosis at 30 brought with it a bitter realization – the education system had failed me, leaving scars that time couldn't erase.
The response to my diagnosis surprised me. Instead of empathy, I encountered a barrage of well-intentioned but misguided narratives. Non-autistic people, perhaps seeking comfort in their own understanding, spread the nonsense that autism is not a disability but a superpower. It's as if they believe we should be grateful for a condition that, in my experience, has been more debilitating than empowering.
"Appreciate having autism; it's a gift," they say. But what about the struggles, the isolation, the daily battles with a world that I can't fit into? It's not a gift; it's a complex and challenging aspect of my identity. To dismiss the difficulties as mere negativity denies the reality of my experience.
The rhetoric surrounding autism sometimes takes on an exclusive club mentality. As if we should be honored to be part of some elite group. Terms like "aspie" are thrown around, treating us like cute, endearing pets. I am not a novelty. I am a person with real struggles, aspirations, and a desire for understanding.
Being diagnosed with autism at 30 was a revelation that forced me to confront my past and reimagine my future. It's not a superpower; it's not a gift. It's a part of me, with its own complexities and challenges. So what now?
I have been searching for a post like this. I can’t offer you any advice as I was diagnosed barely 6 weeks ago officially and am very much struggling with processing it. I expected to feel relief but mostly have felt hopeless. That the things I struggle with are always going to be a struggle and I won’t one day ‘overcome’ them or stop experiencing them. That when I say I don’t think I will ever find a partner, or true friendships in the way I want them, there is a reason for this and that reason is something that will never change. “you’re still young” yes but the problems aren’t going away as I get older. Sorry for bringing such negativity to your post, I hope others have replied more hopefully and positively, but I feel seen by your post.
I feel seen by this post... and this whole thread of posts to be honest. I got my diagnosis 5 days ago - I'm about a month from my 39th birthday. I think I'm still in rabbit in headlights mode: "wait, what just happened?" Haven't yet got to grieving or the rest of it. I managed to convince myself I wouldn't get the diagnosis - I was making a big deal of nothing, I'm sure everyone thinks like this, stop being an attention seeker - so only prepared myself for this eventuality. Somehow I assumed that because I wanted the diagnosis so badly, I would be fine if I got it. Now all I want to do is curl up on the sofa and hide from the world, for fear of what they will think or say...convinced people who've known me for a long time won't believe me. I think I have some internalised judgements I need to deal with before I can accept it fully... it's gonna be a journey.