Published on 12, July, 2020
Am I grieving?
Being diagnosed with autism at the age of 30 was a defining moment in my life, but not in the way some might expect. Instead of unlocking a world of understanding, it felt like I had uncovered a Pandora's box of lost opportunities, missed connections, and the harsh reality of a childhood and education that slipped through my fingers.
As I reflect on my life, I can't help but feel the weight of a lost childhood. The struggles that seemed insurmountable, the friendships that never formed, and the feeling of being on the outside looking in – these are the echoes of my early years. Autism wasn't a badge of honor; it was a veil that clouded my perception and left me isolated.
My educational journey was a rocky road paved with misunderstandings and unmet needs. The challenges I faced were not acknowledged or addressed appropriately. Instead of support, I received confusion and frustration. The diagnosis at 30 brought with it a bitter realization – the education system had failed me, leaving scars that time couldn't erase.
The response to my diagnosis surprised me. Instead of empathy, I encountered a barrage of well-intentioned but misguided narratives. Non-autistic people, perhaps seeking comfort in their own understanding, spread the nonsense that autism is not a disability but a superpower. It's as if they believe we should be grateful for a condition that, in my experience, has been more debilitating than empowering.
"Appreciate having autism; it's a gift," they say. But what about the struggles, the isolation, the daily battles with a world that I can't fit into? It's not a gift; it's a complex and challenging aspect of my identity. To dismiss the difficulties as mere negativity denies the reality of my experience.
The rhetoric surrounding autism sometimes takes on an exclusive club mentality. As if we should be honored to be part of some elite group. Terms like "aspie" are thrown around, treating us like cute, endearing pets. I am not a novelty. I am a person with real struggles, aspirations, and a desire for understanding.
Being diagnosed with autism at 30 was a revelation that forced me to confront my past and reimagine my future. It's not a superpower; it's not a gift. It's a part of me, with its own complexities and challenges. So what now?
Yes you are, look at the grief cycle by Kolb, and know that you will come out stronger.
Now what indeed ?
My own journey is that I too have just been diagnosed at 60 what a revelation and raft of emotions.
Ah ha, so now I understand why I have felt I had to always write so much, say too much, needed to explain so much or even at all, been to exacting, pedantic, a perfectionist, too much attention to detail, blimey it's been quite a journey of explorations and realisations! :-)
ASD has let me understand that I really am different, I say different to be kind to myself but my overly logical brain knows I am not normal. Normal being the norm of most other people. Saying normal just reminds me where I am and stops me kidding myself I am different, which is not helpful to me.
I am just not normal and whilst that’s always felt hurtful and been upsetting it now reminds me that others are unlikely to see the world the same, so I need to think things through before I interact not because I am different but because 'normal' people are likely to see it in a normal away. I use the word normal because apart from the norm what exactly is normal anyway? Imagine realising that when people say, perfectionist, rigid, stubborn, pedantic or inflexible and then me feeling so hurt because surely this is normal, can’t they see it, I am not doing this to be difficult!?
I see now that others do not see things like I do, so they get frustrated and irritated with me. How do I manage that feeling, I have hurt them, they have hurt me and neither intended to do so? Avoid it totally from here on in or try to understand myself and try to understood what normal people see, that said I don't do this to mask anymore. How debilitating and difficult has that been.
So I need to understand them, not they need to understand me, I am reading about emotional intelligence to help me work through how I see the world and understand how normal people see it.
I hope this will help remove misunderstandings and conflicts in the future with people I know, there are not enough hours in the day right now but I am getting there. I wish I had known this years ago, so many unnecessary difficult times, but I am glad I know.
So now what?
Learn about myself, understand myself, look for triggers and how things affect me and why they do. Be kind to myself because what I have beaten myself up previously for, I now know it truly has not been my fault, it's just how I am.
So the future looks a lot brighter than the past, and I will get to know who I really am in myself , so I see nothing but positives ahead.
Great post. Totally identify with it. Diagnosed last year at 57. Still at the point of living in the what if world. Too late now. Sick of looking into myself. I don’t understand me never mind anyone else. This helps. I’ve had counselling military and civilian. Worked at the same place for 32 years. But never really thought about much. Thanks for your time.