Published on 12, July, 2020
Am I grieving?
Being diagnosed with autism at the age of 30 was a defining moment in my life, but not in the way some might expect. Instead of unlocking a world of understanding, it felt like I had uncovered a Pandora's box of lost opportunities, missed connections, and the harsh reality of a childhood and education that slipped through my fingers.
As I reflect on my life, I can't help but feel the weight of a lost childhood. The struggles that seemed insurmountable, the friendships that never formed, and the feeling of being on the outside looking in – these are the echoes of my early years. Autism wasn't a badge of honor; it was a veil that clouded my perception and left me isolated.
My educational journey was a rocky road paved with misunderstandings and unmet needs. The challenges I faced were not acknowledged or addressed appropriately. Instead of support, I received confusion and frustration. The diagnosis at 30 brought with it a bitter realization – the education system had failed me, leaving scars that time couldn't erase.
The response to my diagnosis surprised me. Instead of empathy, I encountered a barrage of well-intentioned but misguided narratives. Non-autistic people, perhaps seeking comfort in their own understanding, spread the nonsense that autism is not a disability but a superpower. It's as if they believe we should be grateful for a condition that, in my experience, has been more debilitating than empowering.
"Appreciate having autism; it's a gift," they say. But what about the struggles, the isolation, the daily battles with a world that I can't fit into? It's not a gift; it's a complex and challenging aspect of my identity. To dismiss the difficulties as mere negativity denies the reality of my experience.
The rhetoric surrounding autism sometimes takes on an exclusive club mentality. As if we should be honored to be part of some elite group. Terms like "aspie" are thrown around, treating us like cute, endearing pets. I am not a novelty. I am a person with real struggles, aspirations, and a desire for understanding.
Being diagnosed with autism at 30 was a revelation that forced me to confront my past and reimagine my future. It's not a superpower; it's not a gift. It's a part of me, with its own complexities and challenges. So what now?
It takes time to integrate into your life. The later the realisation the more there is to unpick. You said you were diagnosed in October 2023 - which isn't long enough to get your head around it. I found varying reactions from people who tried to mean well....it's something a lot of people dont know how to react to because they don't understand it. I didn't fully understand it when I was telling them. This place is very valuable for that understanding...to help to know yourself and find similar experience from others. There might be the idea of empowering children that it's a superpower but in reality, for a lot of adults, it's trying to live a normalish life and get through an average day. If it was a superpower maybe there'd be less mental health issues and better employment amongst the autistic population. Maybe think about your personal strengths and how they could relate to being autistic or just being you.
I can't change the past and its brought me where I am today, but I can move forward with a bit more awareness and kindness now (for myself and others). It takes time to process it.
eyupnel said:am a person with real struggles, aspirations, and a desire for understanding.
You summed it up very nicely there.