Published on 12, July, 2020
Am I grieving?
Being diagnosed with autism at the age of 30 was a defining moment in my life, but not in the way some might expect. Instead of unlocking a world of understanding, it felt like I had uncovered a Pandora's box of lost opportunities, missed connections, and the harsh reality of a childhood and education that slipped through my fingers.
As I reflect on my life, I can't help but feel the weight of a lost childhood. The struggles that seemed insurmountable, the friendships that never formed, and the feeling of being on the outside looking in – these are the echoes of my early years. Autism wasn't a badge of honor; it was a veil that clouded my perception and left me isolated.
My educational journey was a rocky road paved with misunderstandings and unmet needs. The challenges I faced were not acknowledged or addressed appropriately. Instead of support, I received confusion and frustration. The diagnosis at 30 brought with it a bitter realization – the education system had failed me, leaving scars that time couldn't erase.
The response to my diagnosis surprised me. Instead of empathy, I encountered a barrage of well-intentioned but misguided narratives. Non-autistic people, perhaps seeking comfort in their own understanding, spread the nonsense that autism is not a disability but a superpower. It's as if they believe we should be grateful for a condition that, in my experience, has been more debilitating than empowering.
"Appreciate having autism; it's a gift," they say. But what about the struggles, the isolation, the daily battles with a world that I can't fit into? It's not a gift; it's a complex and challenging aspect of my identity. To dismiss the difficulties as mere negativity denies the reality of my experience.
The rhetoric surrounding autism sometimes takes on an exclusive club mentality. As if we should be honored to be part of some elite group. Terms like "aspie" are thrown around, treating us like cute, endearing pets. I am not a novelty. I am a person with real struggles, aspirations, and a desire for understanding.
Being diagnosed with autism at 30 was a revelation that forced me to confront my past and reimagine my future. It's not a superpower; it's not a gift. It's a part of me, with its own complexities and challenges. So what now?
Please don’t beat yourself up over the past with what if. Just remember that you had no control in your responses or the knowledge to approach things differently. As a child it wasn’t your responsibility to know why you were the way you are. My parents are both amazing and I love them both dearly but they too never recognised that I was struggling or different. How long have you known about being autistic? I’ve had months of worrying and beating myself up wondering what’s next and how am I going to manage. Although I do have ok and bad days I’m starting to accept it now. I just think when we are younger people can’t see what we feel and think that’s just our personality.
Stay strong and I hope things get easier for you
I don’t blame my parents at all either. They just didn’t know. Ironically I’m absolutely positive my dad was autistic too and he died without ever knowing it. This must be true of so many of our families.
At least people now are getting the chance to truly understand themselves.
We have always known there was 'something up' but I was told I couldn't be autistic as I am female, and was diagnosed with various mental health disorders instead from around age 7. I got officially diagnosed with Autism in October 2023