Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey all
I'm staying anonymous until I feel a bit more comfortable; hope that's ok and doesn't make people skim past me.
Early 2023 saw me as the picture of privilege (from the outside anyway); stable middle-class upbringing, nothing diverse about me to speak of. I've done well in my career and, heading towards 40, was pushing for a leadership position in the firm I work for which required some interviews and some deep personal reflections.
Long story short, I failed. Got some 'interesting' feedback about eye contact in the interview / answering questions directly, without taking the opportunity to use it to spin into a self-praise story etc. and it rang some bells as it's a story I'd heard before.
Having had some informal chats about what could be 'wrong' with me, I finally reached out for support and got diagnosed in summer. The process was great (if a little intense) and I found it all really interesting, and I came away armed not only with a piece of paper but with permission to be me - just needed to find out who that was.
Another go at the promotion, this time armed with better knowledge about me - and with the company aware and understanding about my diagnosis - I got it.
Trouble is, I saw the role I was pushing for as one that asking for help would undermine my case for getting it in the first place, so most of 2023 was just "getting on with it" and pretending that everything was doing fine - only it wasn't, my mental health was taking hit after hit and it culminated in me getting signed off work.
I was signed off with what the GP called "anxiety" but I feel "burnout" is a way better description - I just couldn't do it anymore; I had the skill and experience, but just not the motivation or the energy, I was done.
Fast forward to now, and I'm heading back to work having reflected on my year - I'm determined not to let it get on top of me again, and going to try and be more honest / let the mask slip a bit / ask for help when I need it.
But I've been masking for 40 years, and liken it to learning to walk again; I know what my end goal is, and each of the steps (no pun intended but now I've written it I'm keeping it), but putting it all together an getting it right seems enormous and fraught with challenge.
Any tips for this "40 and Autie"??
Your choice to remain anonymous is completely respected, and I'm here to assist or engage in conversation whenever you feel comfortable. It sounds like you've had significant achievements in your career and were aiming for a leadership position, which often involves introspection and interviews.
If there's anything specific you'd like to share or discuss regarding your experiences, career goals, or any challenges you may be facing, feel free to provide more details or ask any questions you have in mind. Whether it's seeking advice, discussing personal reflections, or sharing your journey, I'm here to help and listen.
Thanks NAS91059 - actually having the diagnosis is helping re-frame my expectations. By that I don't mean that I'm having to accept a lower or non-leadership position, but instead making the positive choice that I don't need to reach the top of the tree to have a happy life!
What I'm most interested in is how I go about unmasking - having done it for 40 years, there are essentially 3 versions of me:
My question - largely for myself but interested in people's thoughts - is whether an unmasked me has 1 version, or 2, or still 3?
Hoping that makes sense - it definitely did in my head but I've struggled to get it into sentences!