Published on 12, July, 2020
I've always been awful at introductions but I feel like I probably should. I came here posting for help but I think I should make an effort to integrate too.
I'm a somewhat newly discovering autistic, I was diagnosed as a child and had 1:1 support through school and college but never really knew or was explained what that support was for and what my needs may be. About 10+ years after leaving college and having felt like I've been failing for all of those years I'm coming around to understanding of who I may be and trying to learn what I might need or how to get around my daily struggles. Reflecting on my childhood whilst I tend to only remember the bad and I had plenty of anxiety and difficulties (as well as being bullied) I at least felt I was able to cope better and had a bit of a louder, friendly and optimistic personally. What helped with coping was probably due to that support from both 1:1 and my mother who I wish I could, today, more openly speak with and show my love and appreciation for. After everything she's done for me through my life I hope that she can feel it, somehow at least. Once that support in education stopped and my family support lessened in terms of any additional needs and understanding that I'm still 'disabled' it seemed like some of my crutches got kicked away.
I'm not sure if I have a so-called 'special interest' nowadays, or at least my interests aren't really doing much for me lately and I've found myself jumping from random fixation to fixation. My most consistent interest has been in videogames most of my life and I still care and am interested in the hobby it just doesn't lift me like it once did and I sometimes find myself seeking other mindless timewasters rather than using that time to engage with my primary hobby. I tend to find myself going down the rabbit hole on different things these days. Just today I'd looked up something about Eastenders because my parents were talking about something relating to it and ended up instead trawling through a wiki on all kinds of past characters and stories for a few hours. I have zero interest in sports but likewise I've been known to go deeper into things when an international football event like a World Cup happens to catch my attention. I'd still say generally I'd claim myself as a gamer because it's been such a constant.
I still haven't been able to come up with a name yet, quite a few of my online usernames have revolved around my actual name in some fashion but I don't think I'm comfortable with that here and others have related to the content of the site/service (such as my characters in online games reflecting the class of that character in some way) I can't really think of anything that feels identifiably 'me' as a person for a name outside of that kind of stuff. I guess I'm still on a discovery of myself beyond just the autism side of things. Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I actually like/dislike? Even if asked a simple what's my favourite food I've always had an answer I prepared for that kind of situation but I don't necessarily think it's true... I don't know what my favourite food is lol.
So, that's an introduction to me I guess. I'm hoping I can get something out of being here beyond just attempting to lean on it for practical help, support and guidance nor just burden people with another depressed autistics baggage. I hope I can reciprocate and offer something back, find myself and feel part of a community that can relate in a way other places can't.
Like you, I do not have a ‘special interest’. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have forgotten what it is that I like and how to enjoy myself. The constant effort to fit in is probably partly responsible, such that I have lost track of who I really am. It often feels like I am focusing on distractions to fill the gap where living should be. Consequently, at the moment I am trying to dip my toes in a few pools, in the hope that something will feel right. I looked on jealously at this thread, thinking it must be nice to be so consumed by something (particularly impressed with the Frozen collection!), but I suppose that also has its downsides - https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/30518/show-your-collection
There is nothing wrong with dropping into things occasionally, such as the World Cup. I love immersing myself in major international sporting events, despite not watching anything to do with those sports the rest of the time, so looking forward to the Olympics and Euros next year. I really enjoyed the Winter Olympics last year, despite knowing nothing about triple salchows or half-pipes, and by the end had convinced myself that I could identify when the scoring of the judges was unfair!
I think part of my problem is feeling that I need to enjoy things in the same way that other people do, rather than acknowledging that positive feelings may be generated for me in different ways. People at work look on in bemusement as I burn a fortnight’s leave to sit on my sofa watching people jumping around on snow and ice, but why should that be any less legitimate than flying across the world to lounge about and do nothing in the sunshine other than eat and drink?
You are not burdening people. Posting your feelings and experiences helps others to better understand themselves and recognise that they are not alone, so you are performing an important service!
I get that sense of jealousy a little myself when looking at others passionately consumed with their interests. I think maybe I've lost myself along the way for probably similar reasons. I'm sure there were a few things as a child, maybe it could be worth looking into to see whether returning to any of those interests would do anything for me. Failing that, at least some nostalgia binge could be a nice distraction for a while.