Parenting and rapid decision making

NAS89619 said:

This can be very problematic for us as a family as it feels like we have to have a bruising time through trial and error before he'll get on my page. 

I can see 2 ways forward here. This assumes you have discussed the issue with him and he agrees that his stalling is a problem - without this you are going to have real problems.

1 - He agrees to let you have the power of decision when it has to be made quickly. Other decisions should still be made in co-ordination.

2 - make him think through a number of probable situations and decide in advance what a sensible decision should be. This will give him a base for reference when called upon and should help him reach a pre-agreed decision.

I would think that in option 2 if he still struggles then you could do something a bit mean and give him 2 minutes to come up with a decision before involking option 1. This will probably fluster him and make it even harder to reach a decision so you get to make the choice anyway.

If he cannot embrace option 2 then chances are he is not going to be able to change his behaviour at all - not uncommon for autists. You are being a bit cruel to him by forcing his hand, but you have the care of children to consider where timely decisions are important (for the important stuff) so you are basically chosing the needs of one over the comfort of another.

I would consider this carefully and if you do chose 2 then be sure to take a bit more time with your partner to reasure them they are still important and needed as this removal of power can be hurtful.

On balance it is the choice I would go with (2 that is) with the expectation that 1 is probably going to end up being the way.

I would however make sure to give your partner days where they are in charge so they remind themselves of why this was chosen. I expect they will relinquish control quite quickly.

Thanks for your support. 

Unfortunately he is an optimistic procrastinator which in our unfortunate experience means we as a family have suffered because he's been unable to adapt. He doesn't use prior evidence to support decisions. 

I always expected to be equals in parenting our daughter but he delays and defers decisions at our expense. I have asked when issues have arises for ideas, he doesn't add any. 

Additionally he doesn't place any proactive thought into things without considerable help and coaching and even with huge support, decision making can extend to months. It's exhausting work trying to bring him along with us and our needs as a family.

Hence I have learned a lot at our expense and am exasperated as to how to engage him best in family decisions which need to handled somewhat rapidly.

Thanks for your support. 

Unfortunately he is an optimistic procrastinator which in our unfortunate experience means we as a family have suffered because he's been unable to adapt. He doesn't use prior evidence to support decisions. 

I always expected to be equals in parenting our daughter but he delays and defers decisions at our expense. I have asked when issues have arises for ideas, he doesn't add any. 

Additionally he doesn't place any proactive thought into things without considerable help and coaching and even with huge support, decision making can extend to months. It's exhausting work trying to bring him along with us and our needs as a family.

Hence I have learned a lot at our expense and am exasperated as to how to engage him best in family decisions which need to handled somewhat rapidly.

NAS89619 said:

Hence I have learned a lot at our expense and am exasperated as to how to engage him best in family decisions which need to handled somewhat rapidly.

You could always hit him with couples counselling. Tell him things can't go on this way and he needs to join you with a counsellor (who needs experience in dealing with autists by the way) to sort things out.

It is a big decision but you sound like you are getting to that stage where you need a 3rd party to make him see the probem he is causing and help him find a way forward.