Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. I've just joined and hope you don't mind me asking this sort of question but I don't know where else to ask! I am allowed to ask and find otherwise to help with this situation!
My daughter is 9 years old and hasn't seen her biological father since 2016, well he's now decided he wants to see her and it's going through court. My daughter is not coping at all regarding the indirect contact. I've always made her aware about her father and always said I will contact him if she wants to see or talk to him but she's always said no!
We have tried weekly, every short and sweet emails from her father to my daughter which she then becomes extremely distressed and even hurts her self or tries running out of the house, this is the case when I even try and talk about her father.
Her father is now stopping the emails and will be sending a present and card now and again instead (directed by court) to see if she copes with this, but I have stated she gets overwhelmed with presents etc and doesn't cope anyways. Well I've told my daughter in preparing her and now she painics when a parcel turns up or the post turns up and she use to love it (we are waiting for the 1dt present etc to turn up yet)
I've tried visual aids, just bringing up her father in a conversation, short social story but she just ripped it up, preparing her completely but she is just way to distressed. And we are unsure how else we could try and help with the contact as she just doesn't want to have contact and is so distress about it but court want it to progress so her father gets contact but my daughter is struggling massively and is not coping is there anyone who's been through something similar and can suggest anything? I will definitely not force her as that will 100% not help and I'm her safe person but I just don't know what else to do!
Thank you for taking the time to read this! ️
NAS89389 said:we are unsure how else we could try and help with the contact as she just doesn't want to have contact and is so distress about it but court want it to progress so her father gets contact but my daughter is struggling massively and is not coping
You have tried most things you can think of and they are not working so my suggestion would be to get a professional involved to help your daughter and try to mediate the contact.
You need to retain your position as her safe person so I would suggest letting a therapist have the difficult conversations with her and try to encourage her to be open to the idea with the knowledge she can come back to you straight afterwards.
It will also help the court realise you are taking it seriouly.
I would start the meetings with the therapist with you and the father on a zoom call to make sure all are on the same page and that both agree to follow the suggestions proposed. It would be good for them to get an understanding of why the relationship failed and what anomosity there has been plus what you are doing to mend that fence for the sake of your daughter (to be civil at least).
Your daughter may need a few sessions to get to trust the therapist and for any issues to bubble to the surface before a course of action is proposed, leading up to the contact. They could be there as a chaperon (they may agree to a confidentiality agreement not to share what is talked about at the actual meeting if requested as it is father - daughter time) to make sure there is no "poisoning" of your character going on.
Since this contact is being pushed by the father then they should be the one paying for this, but they should be aware that there is a possibility it may not work out the way the want. At least with the therapist it will be independently assessed and you have a qualified professional doing the work.
That would be my approach at least.
Thank you so much for your advice. We do have someone invovled now who is seeking advice from others also on how to deal and approach this! My daughters pediatrician is also invovled who has said how much my daughter doesn't deal with new people and that it shouldn't be pushed or forced and has to go at my daughters pace otherwise we won't get anywhere! Me and her father have agreed it will be slow and take time and I'm doing my absolute best on how to move forward for my daughter, she has every right to see her father if she wishes!
There hasn't been any atmosphere when he was seeing her when my daughter was around, always put things aside for her! So it's hard.
Everyone has currently agreed that my daughter wouldn't cope seeing her father without myself present well Infact just seeing him at all due to all evidence they have seen including what her pediatrician has said who's known my daughter for 6 years! This is why currently its indirect but she's not progressing nor wanting to engage with the indirect contact and shuts completely off and goes into a huge meltdown and self harms!
She also has multiple complex special needs also which makes it even more harder to know how to deal and approach this too, this is what everyone who is invovled is taking into consideration.
I 100% want to do all I can to help my daughter progress and be comfortable seeing her father or just any indirect contact currently but I can't force her if she's not ready or if she actually doesn't want too as we will get no where, so it's like catch 20/20.
Thank you again and I will be speaking to the people. Involved about ur advice so thank you.