45 Years, just got my diagnosis today and I am actually devastated..

First,

Thank you all for your kind responses. I have spent the past 24 hours trying to be introspective about all of this. 

As far as the technical aspects are concerned, I will say I have a degree in neuroscience and a masters in electronics, my work involves both aspects. So I kind of understand what happened which is just worse, knowledge is power... until it isn't.

However it is the emotional side of this I am really struggling with, as I would have staked my life on me not having autism, being so confident (retrospectively stupidly) I told the psychiatrist assessing me that I was sorry I had wasted their time, to then be delivered the line "Actually, you do fit the criteria for ASD".... I felt like I was actually in a movie, the world was turning but I was not on it.

It felt like everything I thought I knew about myself was just a lie, that I am nothing but the sum of my masking, and that most likely nobody actually really knows me, probably including my son, which just breaks my heart.

So what now.... I have to be up in a few hours to go to Italy for work, and I am dreading it, just the thought of leaving, a new person of sorts and facing people, knowing that the projections of ones self are just a sum of the strategies I have developed over the years to protect myself.. from them, is just inconceivable to me.

Then in fleeting moments of clarity I ask myself why am I having such a hard time with this, it is what it is right... to answer in all honesty, I just don't know why I have defaulted to rejection, I have no idea how I am going to accept this at all!

As far as my family, I may not have presented that well, I come from a VERY understanding family, to the point that it is almost too much. My Mother and siblings could not be anymore supportive, my mother is a mental health professional so it probably helps.

Well, I am guessing I can learn a lot from you guys here and hopefully face this with the bravery you guys have spoken about in your posts, I pray that to be the case.

God bless you 

B

I think with a lot of things like this the thing to aim for is acceptance, and to be kind to yourself - just as you would react if a friend or loved one was in your position and you were trying to support them. If you’ve been ‘masking’ - well you’ve been working hard to do your best in the situations you’ve found yourself in. The strategies you may have been using are just your initiative and ingenuity when faced with things you found challenging - that’s not something to feel bad about. You’ve been doing your best and you should feel proud of all you’ve achieved despite some extra challenges that many others don’t have. That’s a huge achievement. 
You have to accept that you have these autistic traits - but you don’t have to be completely defined by it. You’re still ‘you’ - and still different to every other human being on the planet - autistic or not. Being autistic is a part of who we are - but is not all we are. 
This is also very early days for you - especially as this came as a shock to you. A lot of people are expecting the diagnosis when they finally get it - and even then it can still be a very unsettling and strange experience to have it confirmed. Don’t judge yourself - it’s a perfectly normal response that you’re having for someone in your situation. You just need time to get your head round it - but you’ll get there in time. But I don’t think for one moment that you should view your life so far as ‘a lie’ - everything you’ve achieved is still valid and meaningful. This just adds another layer of understanding to the person you are. A diagnosis doesn’t have to rip away your foundations - it can simply cast a slightly different light on things. And some of that will - in time - feel much more positive to you I’m sure. It’s just particular ‘traits’ you happen to have, it’s not everything. It’s not all of you, it’s just a part of who you are. You’re still you. 

I think with a lot of things like this the thing to aim for is acceptance, and to be kind to yourself - just as you would react if a friend or loved one was in your position and you were trying to support them. If you’ve been ‘masking’ - well you’ve been working hard to do your best in the situations you’ve found yourself in. The strategies you may have been using are just your initiative and ingenuity when faced with things you found challenging - that’s not something to feel bad about. You’ve been doing your best and you should feel proud of all you’ve achieved despite some extra challenges that many others don’t have. That’s a huge achievement. 
You have to accept that you have these autistic traits - but you don’t have to be completely defined by it. You’re still ‘you’ - and still different to every other human being on the planet - autistic or not. Being autistic is a part of who we are - but is not all we are. 
This is also very early days for you - especially as this came as a shock to you. A lot of people are expecting the diagnosis when they finally get it - and even then it can still be a very unsettling and strange experience to have it confirmed. Don’t judge yourself - it’s a perfectly normal response that you’re having for someone in your situation. You just need time to get your head round it - but you’ll get there in time. But I don’t think for one moment that you should view your life so far as ‘a lie’ - everything you’ve achieved is still valid and meaningful. This just adds another layer of understanding to the person you are. A diagnosis doesn’t have to rip away your foundations - it can simply cast a slightly different light on things. And some of that will - in time - feel much more positive to you I’m sure. It’s just particular ‘traits’ you happen to have, it’s not everything. It’s not all of you, it’s just a part of who you are. You’re still you.