Published on 12, July, 2020
So I had the final part of my assessment today, and was told that I meet the criteria for diagnosis of ASD and displayed many of the traits, apparently an easy diagnosis.
This has come as a shock, and you may ask why I ended up in this position in the first place, the answer to which is rather simple, to appease others who thought I should.
I am not even sure why I have turned to this forum to vent this either, I guess that it is probably due to my slightly stoic reaction to it with my family, as I did not want them to worry about my mental health.
I knew I was different growing up and into my adult life, but never wanted my behaviour to be pathologized, as I think we are too quick to.. anyway it turns out I know now why, but I truly don't want it, I have spent so much time and expended so much energy trying to be normal, and for what....
Anyway, I really would to hear from anyone who went through this same journey so I can see some light at the end of this tunnel.
Thanks
B
First,
Thank you all for your kind responses. I have spent the past 24 hours trying to be introspective about all of this.
As far as the technical aspects are concerned, I will say I have a degree in neuroscience and a masters in electronics, my work involves both aspects. So I kind of understand what happened which is just worse, knowledge is power... until it isn't.
However it is the emotional side of this I am really struggling with, as I would have staked my life on me not having autism, being so confident (retrospectively stupidly) I told the psychiatrist assessing me that I was sorry I had wasted their time, to then be delivered the line "Actually, you do fit the criteria for ASD".... I felt like I was actually in a movie, the world was turning but I was not on it.
It felt like everything I thought I knew about myself was just a lie, that I am nothing but the sum of my masking, and that most likely nobody actually really knows me, probably including my son, which just breaks my heart.
So what now.... I have to be up in a few hours to go to Italy for work, and I am dreading it, just the thought of leaving, a new person of sorts and facing people, knowing that the projections of ones self are just a sum of the strategies I have developed over the years to protect myself.. from them, is just inconceivable to me.
Then in fleeting moments of clarity I ask myself why am I having such a hard time with this, it is what it is right... to answer in all honesty, I just don't know why I have defaulted to rejection, I have no idea how I am going to accept this at all!
As far as my family, I may not have presented that well, I come from a VERY understanding family, to the point that it is almost too much. My Mother and siblings could not be anymore supportive, my mother is a mental health professional so it probably helps.
Well, I am guessing I can learn a lot from you guys here and hopefully face this with the bravery you guys have spoken about in your posts, I pray that to be the case.
God bless you
Thanks for writing this and confirming to me that......you're gonna be just fine........it just takes a while.
Sleep well.