Published on 12, July, 2020
So I had the final part of my assessment today, and was told that I meet the criteria for diagnosis of ASD and displayed many of the traits, apparently an easy diagnosis.
This has come as a shock, and you may ask why I ended up in this position in the first place, the answer to which is rather simple, to appease others who thought I should.
I am not even sure why I have turned to this forum to vent this either, I guess that it is probably due to my slightly stoic reaction to it with my family, as I did not want them to worry about my mental health.
I knew I was different growing up and into my adult life, but never wanted my behaviour to be pathologized, as I think we are too quick to.. anyway it turns out I know now why, but I truly don't want it, I have spent so much time and expended so much energy trying to be normal, and for what....
Anyway, I really would to hear from anyone who went through this same journey so I can see some light at the end of this tunnel.
Thanks
B
I’m sorry you’re feeling shaken by this - but it’s not surprising as it is a lot to take in. It makes you reassess things and it is unsettling. I was diagnosed earlier this year and I’m in my mid fifties. Even though I was thinking I probably would get the diagnosis (both my children are autistic so I knew the signs) it still felt strange when I actually got the letter.
It still feels strange in some ways too. I almost feel like a fraud to say the words ‘I’m autistic’ - because I’ve spent the majority of my life not realising that I was. But I’ve always struggled in very typically autistic ways (such as socially for example) so in some ways that ‘makes sense’ to me now. I’ve also struggled a huge amount with anxiety throughout my life so now I have a great understanding of why that has been the case.
Ultimately though the diagnosis doesn’t change who we are - nothing has essentially changed. We are what we are- label or not. I think possibly it’s helped me to be more forgiving of myself, for the fact that I’ve found life so difficult at times, and that’s helpful. But it hasn’t made me any better at coping with life. Life still feels very hard most of the time.
And of course there is the issue of telling other people, and how other people respond to that.
There’s a lot of complicated emotions all round. I hope that in time you will feel a bit more positive about the diagnosis. I think it can be helpful - but it takes time to process the whole thing and it’s bound to prompt mixed feelings. The community on here is incredibly helpful and supportive - so we’re always here for you if you want to talk about anything. sending best wishes and solidarity.