Published on 12, July, 2020
After a lifetime of travelling in search of something, in the words of Bilbo Baggins, I am embarking on an "unexpected journey".
Hello everyone!
About 5 weeks ago, following a re-referral to my local MHT, it was suggested that I was likely somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. "Sure" I responded in my ignorance, "isn't everyone?"
I watched a couple of documentaries that I had been directed towards and found an online AQ test to take, no big surprises there, just a few autistic traits. Then in a bored moment I looked on YouTube and found a video of late diagnosed people talking about their experience of life, before their diagnosis. BANG! It was a proverbial light bulb moment. Disconnections between thought and body, missing jigsaw pieces, a trail of lost friendships that I could not fathom and social norms that I will never understand. My collection of music that would take more than a year to play, ridiculously detailed in my extensive database. (I have multiple recordings of the same track as each band member changed and album art representing releases in different countries).
As I started to research autism, I realised that my easy ability to make and hold eye contact, was exactly what my doctor's receptionist called aggressive behaviour. I can not make casual eye contact at all, which is probably why my mother forever told me I had a guilty face. I began to understand that my habit of walking into a room and loudly introducing myself to a group of strangers was an attempt to own the room, which once lost, became a painful babble of competing voices, too distressing to bare.
Every repetitive job I've had quickly became double shifts, 16 hours a day and preferably with a canteen which saved me from panic inducing supermarkets. These jobs always ending in crash and burn. I eventually settled for my own business centred around another special interest, and located abroad, where the strangest thing about me was being a foreigner and limitations of language allowed me to abstain from the crowd. Later a second business in the hedonistic festival industry, where I often stated, it was easier to succeed in a barrel full of crazy people who had no interest in my quirky ways.
I could go on but suffice to say, following my screening at my MHT I have now been referred for a formal diagnosis. My case worker says she is in absolutely no doubt of the outcome. Neither am I and at the age of 60, I am embarking on the greatest journey of my life. This time, no off the peg character in which to hide, no script to learn, no map to follow. I don't expect this journey to be easy and good or bad I'm happy to share or support, sometimes, when I can.
Good luck in your journey, there’s lots of great information on the NAS website and this community is terrific so long as you can filter out the more extreme views, it took me a while to get my head round this but I think mostly I’m nailing that now. Btw I completely disagree with the idea that “we’re all a bit on the spectrum”, it isn’t true, it is however a very typical neurotypical view of autism unfortunately which invalidates and minimises the impact autism has on our lives.
Emma
Thanks Emma
Yes I agree, we're not all a bit on the spectrum. This is the first misconception I discovered as I started to research in ernest. I also expect that it will also be a frequent response when I share my new found knowledge of myself with others. An age old problem of how to inform and educate in a kind and unpatronising way, particularly for me, with a strong tendency to be far too blunt and factual for most people that I meet.
I completely resonate with your problems, well their problems, about us being blunt and factual, I’m definitely always factual which is indeed often perceived as blunt.
Another strand of autism I have very strongly is that I believe what people say, and indeed I never lie myself, nor make promises I’m not certain I can keep, which means I rarely make promises. The believing people has led to several relationships and friendships breaking down as I’m made “promises” they had no ability or intention to keep, it’s always me who then walks away from these people in the end then they get angry, which just ends with me ghosting them for self protection
A parallel to the “we’re all … “ thing is the way people of all types, celebrities and ordinary folk, use phrases like “I’m a little bit manic/ocd/depressed (delete as applicable) today”, no they are not and they just don’t understand the seriousness of these psychiatric conditions. It irritates me so much but there’s nothing this small cog in their machine can do.