Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello!
I spent my entire childhood being told that I was 'different' and, to be honest, I loved it. It really made me feel special and I was happy to be the weird little girl that doesn't play with other children.
Following some workplace trauma whilst living in Australia, I started to see a psychologist who suggested (at the time) Asperger's Syndrome and performed an assessment that confirmed the diagnosis.
I was so upset at the diagnosis that I walked away and discontinued his services. Not because I was upset about what it means for the way I function, but because it felt like a label that was 'stealing' my uniqueness. Every little quirk that I'd always been proud of being uniquely mine was suddenly 'just the autism'. It made me feel normal, like I was just a typical example of everyone else with the same diagnosis. I was no longer special.
I moved back to Europe soon afterwards and decided to completely ignore what had happened, and to keep oit completely to myself.
Then, during the pandemic, I started an MSc in Ergonomics & Human Factors online. It's the first time I've studied since leaving school at 15 so I was delighted to get onto the course. I started learning more about cognitive and sensory function and realised that there is work to be done to better interact with people who have differences, and that as someone who struggled with some things herself, e.g. verbal interpretation, I could be in a strong position to help.
I'm now finalising my degree and have wide-reaching ideas for research to take into a PhD! And, in the process, I've gradually come to accept my own diagnosis as being just another part of me.
Another huge part of my journey is that, after almost 20 years single and happy to be alone, I met a person who truly loves me and has changed my entire world view. He happens to have ADHD and we seem to complement each other perfectly, with me sitting quietly back and watching him provide the entertainment heheheh :-P His acceptance of me has helped me to accept myself.
BadgerLady said:I was so upset at the diagnosis that I walked away and discontinued his services. Not because I was upset about what it means for the way I function, but because it felt like a label that was 'stealing' my uniqueness.
You have a label for being human, female, single / attached etc - why is autism any different? It describes something tangibile about you (eg gender, social status, how your mind is wired etc) but none of this describes how you CHOOSE to behave.
I always look at it as a way of understanding the machinery of my mind that leads me to my choices so I can see where the influences are and I can decide what option I will go with in the moment.
For example if there was going to be a birthday party for a good friend I could decide:
1 - don't go as the people there will be too much to interact with. Or do go as it is my friend and I want to be there for them, including knowing their other friends / family.
2 - chose a present. Do I let my problem solving powers from my autism help me decide of just get a bottle of booze.
3 - dress to be the same as everybody else or wear something more "me". The autism will probaby make you want to fit in.
4 - write a card with just happy birthday in it or create one with your photos, memories and knowledge of their interests.
Sometimes it is good to know what the autisms impact is in a situation so you can weigh it in any unique decisions you make. Just because the autism influences the uniqueness does not make it bad or undesireable, any more than the fact you are female, attached or well educated.
We are the sum of our parts but our decisions are ours alone so you can remain as unique as it is possible to be in a world of 7 billion people.
I've never liked those labels either I think I've always imagined that there's a core self, like a 'soul' if you like, that's immune from all those categories and labels. It's just that other people don't pay enough attention to see it, so they lean on the labels as an easy way to make assumptions about one another.
I would hate to be described by my nationality, age, gender and income level. Ewww!