Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 48 and have been single now for 3 years after leaving an abusive partner after 15 years. I was diagnosed with autism last year. I've always struggled with friendships as I'm not able to communicate my feelings so if I feel uncomfortable with a situation I will avoid the person which ends the friendship. Also I've also had an unhealthy obsession with men since about the age of about 11. I started to develop crushes on men that I saw around me, for example, a builder next door the boy around the corner. I think I was hugely influenced by what was on TV at the time. There were programmes such as Benny Hill and Kenny Everett and page 3 where the women where sexualised. I also became obsessed by the glamorous ample breated women, hoping to be just like them one day. I became obsessed with sex although I wasn't old enough to know what it was.
Since then I've had a string of very unhealthy relationships with men which has resulted in myself and my daughter being abused. I will become obsessed with any man that shows me kindness and fall in love with them. When they don't reciprocate my feelings I'm absolutely heartbroken and want to end my life.
This is the situation I find myself in now and I know it doesn't make sense and I don't want to feel like this. It's so frustrating. All that the doctors suggest is too take citralopram which has made me feel like a zombie.
I was wondering if anyone else has had this problem? Is it autism or am I just really screwed up? I hate myself so much and nothing makes me happy. I could win a million pounds and go to a beautiful exotic retreat but I'd still be sat there crying over my latest heartbreak.
I hate myself for feeling this sorry for myself but the man I am in love with lives next door and I've had to listen to him and his new girlfriend having sex which is destroying me. I keep having meltdowns and there's holes in all my doors. I want to kill myself 24/7 but won't do that because I don't want to hurt my daughter but I hope that I don't wake up when I go to sleep.
It's a tough question here, it's a pattern apparently, it has its roots and probably what you aren't aware of about it is much more of what you are. We aren't qualified to advise you in such situation or open your eyes to the roots and solutions of this. Take it seriously, take it to a therapist. Your situation, although it's popular, it's also serious. Solving it is long hard work and it usually requires a professional support. You find all sorts of people in this forum, most are very kind but you could also run into abusers or different sorts of people too. I don't think that you want an advice from the general public about such sensitive issue. Good luck.