Published on 12, July, 2020
So this week I've spent the last 4 days dog sitting for my Aunt. And I traded places with my mom basically where she took me home and my mom would watch the dogs for the night. My boyfriend of 3 years came home from work a couple hours later after I came home. He pretty much dragged me out to this event with his friends which I allowed because it made him happy and he was very excited. It was a graduation parade for his coworkers and friend's school. So we went to get food before the parade started. The Ice Cream shop was too packed for my liking. The other dessert shop wasn't much better. But was... acceptable. So we eat on some sweets and leave to find my boyfriend's friend's and coworkers. Immediately I felt completely overwhelmed and moved away from everyone and chose to sit alone nearby. My boyfriend finally caught on that I wasn't feeling right. He asked me several times if I wanted to leave to which I responded by explaining that I was going into the stages of a panic attack. And was trying really hard to resist stemming in front of everyone. When I stem, I pick at my lip skin, break off my nails, mess with my hair, hug myself, fidget with anything I can get my hands on and even scratch myself on my arms until I'm in extreme pain. It's embarrassing to do such things in front of my own family members who have seen this over my 26+ years. It's another kind of embarrassing to do it in a coward of hundreds of people including my partners friend's and such. Eventually we were going to move through the crowd to another place with his other friends. I didn't feel comfortable at all and my boyfriend could tell. He said he understood if I wanted to leave and meet him after the parade. To which I reluctantly said I would go somewhere else, as I didn't actually WANT to leave his side, but I definitely did NOT want to be there in that crowd. So I walked the opposite direction as weakly as I could and when I was at a safe distance away, I let myself stem the whole way to a shopping center, scratching myself into extreme pain because I don't have my fidgets. Eventually I walked to a few stores to clear my head and recuperate with some AC. When the parade was finished I walked back and met my boyfriend a block away from where I left him. Now we're sitting on a bench trying to think of what food to eat and I'm trying this hoping that knowing if someone else has gone through a similar situation, they could let me know so I don't feel so embarrassed about it when I talk to him in a little bit.
Please, if I'm not alone, I need to know. I feel absolutely embarrassed and terrible that I just left my partner when he was excited that we were going to do something together with his friends.
Thanks everyone for your advice and for sharing your experiences. It makes me feel so much better that I can talk openly to people who will more than likely understand what and how I'm feeling.
Hi Bran-Bran. I'm glad you feel able to share that on here and feel somewhat comforted that you're not alone in struggling in this way.
I'm guessing you are feeling that other people will think you are overreacting or too sensitive, or that kind of judgement is coming from yourself? This is exactly the kind of thing I struggle with - I show love and care by doing what the person I love and care about wants to do or is important to them, even when it has the potential to be detrimental to me.
Bran-Bran said:He pretty much dragged me out to this event with his friends which I allowed because it made him happy and he was very excited.
I also find it difficult to know what I may find overwhelming, and it's not a consistent, fixed thing where I can say "I will never go to a party" because it depends on what my base level of energy is on a given day, the potential sensory sensitivities in an environment, and how much is expected of me. In my last relationship they wanted me to produce a list of "triggers" so that they could avoid situations with me. I don't think that's the answer, and avoiding can lead to OCD behaviours in me. I literally would never go out if I thought about all the potential stressors that could overwhelm me.
I found a tip that I haven't had the opportunity to try out yet but maybe it could be useful for you. I read it in a book but I can't remember who wrote it. It was a famous actor and he had an agreement with his wife for when they were at parties. If one of them was bored or wanted to escape a conversation they would scratch their nose until the other one noticed, then they'd make excuses to leave. Maybe you could have a non-verbal cue between you and your boyfriend for when you're feeling overwhelm. You could also show him what you wrote in your post here if you find it difficult to explain what happened to you.
You're absolutely not alone in feeling this way. I hope you feel better soon. Be gentle on yourself.
I Sperg said:I've just realised that we are indeed like the spare wheel in your car, socially speaking. Kept in the dark and vaguely resented by the normies for the space we take up and the increased fuel consumption, held to be generally useless until they run over a nail, or clip a kerb...
Now that is a good analogy.
Our abilities have the habit of being able to save the day, especially if the ability is one of preparation for the "what if" situations.
Going back to I Spergs question - while I have not suffered from the same level of stimming processes that she has, I do find social situations like that very challenging and often need to escape for 10 mins to calm down, put the social mask back on and head back out into the group.
For me I tend to gravitate to the other autistics in the group and probably spend more time talking with them about special interest subjects as that a) keeps me from the more difficult social interactions while being seen as socialising and b) helps out the other autists in the same way.
I was often responsible for teams and trying to get different teams to socialise to improve their interactions so I had plenty of very stressful events.
The stress built up as these days went on and I could always feel my shoulders getting so tight from muscle tension that by the end of these that I would hurt for days after.
If you are able, I would suggest you try alternative, less harmful stimming methods (if you need the pain response then maybe squeese your wrist until it hurts rather than scratching). It won't stop the need to do it (I suspect this would need a lot of therapy) as it is quite deep rooted in our subconcious.
You are not alone - many on this site have experiences like yours so you should not think of yourself as weird or broken.
Your boyfriend does seem to have a good connection with you and your autism and I would suggest following his offers of help more often when he senses you building up to a meltdown. Maybe just take a break from the crowd together and let him sit with you while you come down from the stress.
If you have not already had a good talk with him about your autism and what it involves then I would recommend doing this. There are some good books out there for partners of autists that help them understand better what it is and how to live with it and be supportive in the right ways.
Hi. While i dont have issues to the extent you do, i have always felt i had to simply endue my discomfort. Only now that i am aware i an autistic am i aware why i have difficulties and am trying to force myself to say no to social situations where i will struggle. It really isnt easy, but i hope it is a route to a more comfortable life.
I feel for both of you. Autism can suck the joy out of this sort of event, and it seems to come out of nowhere.
My experience is a little different in that I did the first 59 years of my life not knowing I had Autism and hence fought the effects tooth and nail in an attempt to function "normally". It took me until my mid to late twenties to realise that I simply did NOT enjoy parties and other social occasions unless I had a "function" to perform.
Eventually in my thirties I discovered that "being the photographer" gave me the distance that I needed from the confusing stuff going on around me. Later I discovered that when you have a child, you can be the attentive parent, which also creates a bit of socially acceptable social distancing.
My social experience is that whilst most of the time I get sidelined and ignored, very occasionally I could also find myself taking over and leading particularly if things were a little dangerous in some way, or required planning for successful execution. In my youth I was the guy who "made things happen" and for about 6 years (until everyone in my peer group "grew up") was very popular. To the extent that I'd find myself having to fabricate a reason to leave my flat for a to get a break from people.
The problem was that Autism made me socially UNRELIABLE. I could not be relied on to perform as "expected". I (now) know that this was a combination of deliberate but not very conscious "protective" action on my part (my childhood was completely adversarial and contained elements of sadism where my attempts to build routines were often thwarted or used against me and my failure to follow imposed routines was ruthlessly prosecuted, physically and psychologically, so I became somewhat rebellious and anti-routine) and the undiagnosed Autism doing it's thing.
I go to Germany sometimes, and they have social events that start at lunchtime and continue into the early hours, and I don't drink, nor can I speak the language, but it's not as bad as if I could speak the language! Boring, obviously, but nothing like as scary and challenging as if I had to "perform" socially for that length of time.
Embarrassment is horrible, and for me the choice was either feel it all the bloody time, or by a motorcycle and cultivate a DGAF attitude. If you appear to others that you Don't Give A Flip about some things, they'll either give you a wide berth, extend respect to you or persecute you for being a non-team player. Two of those are acceptable outcomes for me.
And since I was ruthlessly persecuted as a kid, no normal level of persecution really measures up to my prior experience .(Although the way society treated those of us who declined to be guinea pigs for the new technology "vaccines" did give me flashbacks quite recently, thank you very much society...) Overall DGAF worked quite well for me really, in some ways, as a surface layer of protection, but it does not work well if you incorporate it into your being like the NT's seem to.
It's hard to make Autism a positive thing, because most of the time it is a right PITA, but occasionally when the situation gets unpredictable and difficult of all NT's and Autists alike, THEN we stand out in the RIGHT way.
I've just realised that we are indeed like the spare wheel in your car, socially speaking. Kept in the dark and vaguely resented by the normies for the space we take up and the increased fuel consumption, held to be generally useless until they run over a nail, or clip a kerb...