Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m 53 and deep down have always known that my outlook is very different to others.
For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with things that some find easy and even exciting, I have just developed strategies to cope with the demands of life, mainly ensuring I’m busy, I’m in control and things are on my terms. This obviously doesn’t always work and relationships have suffered.
I haven’t sought help or a diagnosis before as I always thought it was just me, but the more the world has changed and the more we are encouraged to accept and celebrate our differences the more I have realised I may not be on my own.
However, what will having a diagnosis change for me, I will still feel all the things I have felt for the last 40 plus years, the anxiety won’t go away when my husband suggests going somewhere different on holiday, I won’t suddenly be able to maintain friendships.
i found out from a friend i was autistic at 40 years old, and then was diagnosed at 41. it has given me the answer to all of my lifelong difficulties. so many things are making sense now. before this, i remember seeing a psychologist and asking her, "relationships always go like this for me: 1) he's an a**hole, 2) he's actually not an a**hole, 3) he truly is an a**hole, and 4) oh, he's actually very sweet and caring and is just different. why is this happening? i want this to stop. i've read the personality disorders in the DSM at least 10 times and i don't think i fit any of them, but i know i'm different. what's wrong with me?" she responded by saying that, "you are a highly sensitive person, and nothing is wrong with you. in fact, a certain percentage of the population is highly sensitive because it helped us when we were hunter-gatherers. i suggest you read up on highly sensitive people." when i looked into it, it helped me understand things about myself, but i knew that wasn't all. i was still racking my brain trying to figure it out. once my friend told me, i was like, "ohhhhHHHHhhh. things are making sense now." but i still wanted the diagnosis to make sure because i still had doubts since i've been misdiagnosed with bipolar before.
once i received the diagnosis, i felt so much relief and pride. i'm not a horrible person like abusive NTs have been telling me i am to weaken my spirit and take advantage. i'm autistic, and i'm so happy i am. now, i can spot the predators more easily because they'll start throwing passive-aggressive remarks or defining me. "sorry, but i'm already defined and you're not going to abuse me, jerk that likes to hurt people you see as disabled for fun. 'yeah! let's go abuse the autistic kid!' jerk." i have found my people. you guys are it. it's very relieving and has helped me adjust my life to go down my path rather than letting NTs take me down theirs (edit: i initially wrote "there's" lol). i have reduced my masking a lot, and it's so nice. masking takes up so much energy, and it raises my anxiety because i can't stim to relieve it. i went to the ortho today and didn't mask much. they treated me soooo sooo much better than when i would mask. i'm assuming it's because they could tell i was hiding something before, so they thought i was a jerk. not anymore. i'm autistic af. seriously, i will forever divide my life as before and after diagnosis. i highly recommend it.