Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m 53 and deep down have always known that my outlook is very different to others.
For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with things that some find easy and even exciting, I have just developed strategies to cope with the demands of life, mainly ensuring I’m busy, I’m in control and things are on my terms. This obviously doesn’t always work and relationships have suffered.
I haven’t sought help or a diagnosis before as I always thought it was just me, but the more the world has changed and the more we are encouraged to accept and celebrate our differences the more I have realised I may not be on my own.
However, what will having a diagnosis change for me, I will still feel all the things I have felt for the last 40 plus years, the anxiety won’t go away when my husband suggests going somewhere different on holiday, I won’t suddenly be able to maintain friendships.
What's changed for me on receiving my diagnosis is that I'm a lot kinder to myself. I've been able to tell myself that it's okay when I can't do things other people find easy, because I'm not a terribly flawed and useless person, I'm just living in a world that's not set up for people like me.
I still can't drive or cook without a meltdown, and I still find the supermarket to be a sensory nightmare, but knowing why has brought so much relief and self-knowledge that it's a little easier to just... not do things, instead of pushing myself to Be More Normal.
I totally get what you are saying, after all this time, I have started to give myself a break, my husband is extremely patient and understanding since we discussed that their might actually be a medical reason that I find certain situations and environments hostile and incredibly overwhelming, he is the only person I feel at complete and total ease with. I suppose I’m just thinking that I will still find certain aspects of life hard and always will, I totally understand getting an early diagnosis as it helps the child or young adult navigate life, but I’ve found coping mechanisms and strategies the hard way, but I suppose in a way it might bring comfort when im experiencing particular problem, I just don’t want it to be a crutch and for me to use it as an easy way out of forcing myself to confront my fears of everyday life, like going to a new restaurant etc.